adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Concerned He Spread Himself Too Thin Between Eating Sandwich, Watching Television

PADUCAH, KY—Glancing worriedly from his plate to his television, local man Eric Timmer expressed concern Thursday that between eating his ham sandwich and viewing an episode of The Walking Dead, he was critically overextending himself. “I looked away from the screen for five seconds because some of the meat was coming out from between the bread, and I missed some stuff on the show,” said Timmer, 29, conceding that he also may not have been up to the task of hearing the program’s dialogue above the sound of his chewing. “I think I’m in over my head here. I’m not sure what I was thinking, but I can’t keeping doing this. I mean, I’m not Superman.” At press time, Timmer entered a state of paralysis upon being faced with an incoming text message.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close