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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Man Concerned He Spread Himself Too Thin Between Eating Sandwich, Watching Television

PADUCAH, KY—Glancing worriedly from his plate to his television, local man Eric Timmer expressed concern Thursday that between eating his ham sandwich and viewing an episode of The Walking Dead, he was critically overextending himself. “I looked away from the screen for five seconds because some of the meat was coming out from between the bread, and I missed some stuff on the show,” said Timmer, 29, conceding that he also may not have been up to the task of hearing the program’s dialogue above the sound of his chewing. “I think I’m in over my head here. I’m not sure what I was thinking, but I can’t keeping doing this. I mean, I’m not Superman.” At press time, Timmer entered a state of paralysis upon being faced with an incoming text message.

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