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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Man Concerned He Spread Himself Too Thin Between Eating Sandwich, Watching Television

PADUCAH, KY—Glancing worriedly from his plate to his television, local man Eric Timmer expressed concern Thursday that between eating his ham sandwich and viewing an episode of The Walking Dead, he was critically overextending himself. “I looked away from the screen for five seconds because some of the meat was coming out from between the bread, and I missed some stuff on the show,” said Timmer, 29, conceding that he also may not have been up to the task of hearing the program’s dialogue above the sound of his chewing. “I think I’m in over my head here. I’m not sure what I was thinking, but I can’t keeping doing this. I mean, I’m not Superman.” At press time, Timmer entered a state of paralysis upon being faced with an incoming text message.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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