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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man Confused By Compliment From Person Whose Career He Can’t Help

QUINCY, MA—Local man Alex Heard told reporters Thursday that he was thoroughly confused after receiving a compliment from an acquaintance despite the fact that he could in no way advance this individual’s career or assist him professionally whatsoever. “I think Mike [Dawes] knows that I don’t have any pull at my office, so I’m not sure what his angle is here,” said Heard, adding that he was at a complete loss to come up with another ulterior motive Dawes may have had for his praise. “We actually work in completely different fields, and he’s never expressed any interest in doing my type of work before, so it just doesn’t make any sense that he’d say something like that. I mean, who knows? Maybe he meant it.” At press time, Heard had returned home to find a LinkedIn invitation from Dawes waiting in his inbox.

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