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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Man Confused By Compliment From Person Whose Career He Can’t Help

QUINCY, MA—Local man Alex Heard told reporters Thursday that he was thoroughly confused after receiving a compliment from an acquaintance despite the fact that he could in no way advance this individual’s career or assist him professionally whatsoever. “I think Mike [Dawes] knows that I don’t have any pull at my office, so I’m not sure what his angle is here,” said Heard, adding that he was at a complete loss to come up with another ulterior motive Dawes may have had for his praise. “We actually work in completely different fields, and he’s never expressed any interest in doing my type of work before, so it just doesn’t make any sense that he’d say something like that. I mean, who knows? Maybe he meant it.” At press time, Heard had returned home to find a LinkedIn invitation from Dawes waiting in his inbox.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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