Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Man To Continue Slowly Drifting Into Middle Of Restaurant Until Host Redirects Him

SCITUATE, RI—Finding no one waiting to greet him upon entering the restaurant Monday afternoon, local man Adam Peretti reportedly planned to continue slowly drifting toward the middle of Sidney’s Bistro until a host redirected him to a seat. “Someone’s going to see me eventually and point me in the right direction,” the 31-year-old reportedly thought to himself as he took several tentative steps into the dining area, scanning his surroundings for an employee who might come to his aid before shuffling several feet farther toward the center of the establishment. “If I spend enough time just wandering between the booths with a puzzled look on my face, someone’s bound to come over to me, right? Man, I really hope somebody notices me soon—I’ve already passed two tables.” Sources confirmed that Peretti reached the exact midpoint of the restaurant moments later, at which point, having yet to be approached by an employee, he reportedly opted to slowly turn around in a circle with his brow furrowed.

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