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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man Defends Home State's License Plate Design

BOSTON—Despite having never before given the topic a moment's thought, maintenance mechanic Ron Krueger, 46, aggressively defended his home state of Pennsylvania's license plate design Monday after a coworker's negative comment. "The horizontal bands of blue, white, and yellow are not only bold, but they're the perfect color combination," Krueger said in defense of the piece of aluminum. "Also, it's ridiculous for you to not like the font. Check out the stupid frilly letters on your license plate; they look terrible. State names should always be in caps. Always." Krueger was later surprised at how angry he became when a coworker complained that it took a long time to drive across Pennsylvania.

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