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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Man Defends Home State's License Plate Design

BOSTON—Despite having never before given the topic a moment's thought, maintenance mechanic Ron Krueger, 46, aggressively defended his home state of Pennsylvania's license plate design Monday after a coworker's negative comment. "The horizontal bands of blue, white, and yellow are not only bold, but they're the perfect color combination," Krueger said in defense of the piece of aluminum. "Also, it's ridiculous for you to not like the font. Check out the stupid frilly letters on your license plate; they look terrible. State names should always be in caps. Always." Krueger was later surprised at how angry he became when a coworker complained that it took a long time to drive across Pennsylvania.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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