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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Man Defends Home State's License Plate Design

BOSTON—Despite having never before given the topic a moment's thought, maintenance mechanic Ron Krueger, 46, aggressively defended his home state of Pennsylvania's license plate design Monday after a coworker's negative comment. "The horizontal bands of blue, white, and yellow are not only bold, but they're the perfect color combination," Krueger said in defense of the piece of aluminum. "Also, it's ridiculous for you to not like the font. Check out the stupid frilly letters on your license plate; they look terrible. State names should always be in caps. Always." Krueger was later surprised at how angry he became when a coworker complained that it took a long time to drive across Pennsylvania.

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