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Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

AMARILLO, TX—Frequently mentioning the fact that his hometown of Corpus Christi, TX also happens to be the birthplace of Whataburger, local 31-year-old Chad Derringer takes a truly depressing amount of pride in the fast food establishment, sources confirmed Tuesday. “If you’ve never been to one, you absolutely have to try it,” Derringer said of the 735-location restaurant chain, which he reportedly speaks of so proudly and so often that those around him find it simply heartbreaking. “I’d put their burger up against any other burger out there—fast food or slow food, doesn’t matter. Whataburger beats them all, hands down. And if there’s a place with better fries, I’d sure like to try them.” Even more depressing, sources revealed, is the fact that Derringer, who has never been employed by Whataburger, owns a minimum of three shirts bearing its logo.

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