Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 21

3-Day Weekend Practically Already Over

WASHINGTON—According to sources, the long Memorial Day weekend in honor of Monday’s federal holiday is practically over already, with the hours left in said weekend dwindling away at an increasingly rapid pace even as you read this news articl...

Obama Vows To Wind Down War On Terror

After more than a decade of war, President Obama stated yesterday that the U.S. should limit drone strikes, close the Guantánamo Bay detention facility, and repeal the Authorization for Use of Military Force that was enacted after Sept.

Timeline Of The War On Terror

0 AD–September 11, 2001: Everything fine September 11, 2001: September 11, 2001 September 12, 2001: A determined George W. Bush responds to the Sept. 11 attacks by swiftly promising two failed wars, a nearly 10-year manhunt for...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Spring

Energy

Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

AMARILLO, TX—Frequently mentioning the fact that his hometown of Corpus Christi, TX also happens to be the birthplace of Whataburger, local 31-year-old Chad Derringer takes a truly depressing amount of pride in the fast food establishment, sources confirmed Tuesday. “If you’ve never been to one, you absolutely have to try it,” Derringer said of the 735-location restaurant chain, which he reportedly speaks of so proudly and so often that those around him find it simply heartbreaking. “I’d put their burger up against any other burger out there—fast food or slow food, doesn’t matter. Whataburger beats them all, hands down. And if there’s a place with better fries, I’d sure like to try them.” Even more depressing, sources revealed, is the fact that Derringer, who has never been employed by Whataburger, owns a minimum of three shirts bearing its logo.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More