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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Man Disgusted Just By Constant Thought Of 2 Guys Kissing

BLUFFTON, SC—Local man Russell Morrill told reporters Wednesday that he feels an acute sense of disgust simply at the constant thought of two men kissing. “Just endlessly imagining two dudes making out is enough to make me want to vomit,” said Morrill, 31, adding that the mere persistent mental image of two grown men lovingly embracing, let alone engaging in progressively more intimate acts, leaves him utterly nauseated. “Seriously, all it takes is envisioning two guys sticking their tongues down each other’s throats from the moment I wake up in the morning, and I’m sick to my stomach.” At press time, Morrill said he also cringed just at the incessant idea that his gay coworker would make a move on him and finally set him free.

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