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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Man Disgusted Just By Constant Thought Of 2 Guys Kissing

BLUFFTON, SC—Local man Russell Morrill told reporters Wednesday that he feels an acute sense of disgust simply at the constant thought of two men kissing. “Just endlessly imagining two dudes making out is enough to make me want to vomit,” said Morrill, 31, adding that the mere persistent mental image of two grown men lovingly embracing, let alone engaging in progressively more intimate acts, leaves him utterly nauseated. “Seriously, all it takes is envisioning two guys sticking their tongues down each other’s throats from the moment I wake up in the morning, and I’m sick to my stomach.” At press time, Morrill said he also cringed just at the incessant idea that his gay coworker would make a move on him and finally set him free.

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