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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Man Does Good Job Getting Drunk

ETNA, PA—Moments after watching him finish his fifth alcoholic beverage at the Crow’s Nest Bar and Grill Thursday night, sources reported local man Chris Serna, 32, had completed the task of getting drunk with a high degree of efficiency and skill. “Mr. Serna has a clear goal, which is getting drunk, and as of now he is doing an exceptionally good job of achieving that goal,” Crow’s Nest bartender Gavin Morey, 40, said of Serna’s focused, driven consumption of draft beers, which he reportedly ordered and dispatched with both alacrity and precision in the space of 90 minutes. “He understands the process of becoming inebriated, and he executes that process with a great deal of proficiency. I would rate his getting-drunk capabilities very highly, and in fact among the stronger efforts I’ve seen tonight.” At press time, Serna was reportedly doing an expert job of programming AC/DC’s “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” five times in a row on the bar’s jukebox.

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