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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Man Does What He Convinced Himself He Loves For A Living

MILWAUKEE—Explaining with a deep sense of self-delusion that his job provides a “perfect outlet” for both his creative and analytic sides, BTX Communications employee Matthew Krueger confirmed to reporters Thursday that he does exactly what he has convinced himself he loves for a living. “It’s rare that people get to spend every day at work doing what they’re most passionate about, so I’m really fortunate,” the 29-year-old said enthusiastically of the position, which over the past three years has been transformed in Krueger’s mind from a stopgap to pay off student loans to his “dream job.” “It’s essentially what I’ve wanted to do since I was a kid, so it’s wonderful that [I’m trapped here for the foreseeable future, and I’ll just continue repeating ‘this is a fulfilling career’ to myself until it sounds true]. Plus, to actually get paid to do this? Honestly, I couldn’t be happier.” Krueger then assured reporters that he’s one of the luckiest people he knows, after taking into consideration the longtime girlfriend he has persuaded himself is his soulmate.

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