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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Man Does What He Convinced Himself He Loves For A Living

MILWAUKEE—Explaining with a deep sense of self-delusion that his job provides a “perfect outlet” for both his creative and analytic sides, BTX Communications employee Matthew Krueger confirmed to reporters Thursday that he does exactly what he has convinced himself he loves for a living. “It’s rare that people get to spend every day at work doing what they’re most passionate about, so I’m really fortunate,” the 29-year-old said enthusiastically of the position, which over the past three years has been transformed in Krueger’s mind from a stopgap to pay off student loans to his “dream job.” “It’s essentially what I’ve wanted to do since I was a kid, so it’s wonderful that [I’m trapped here for the foreseeable future, and I’ll just continue repeating ‘this is a fulfilling career’ to myself until it sounds true]. Plus, to actually get paid to do this? Honestly, I couldn’t be happier.” Krueger then assured reporters that he’s one of the luckiest people he knows, after taking into consideration the longtime girlfriend he has persuaded himself is his soulmate.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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