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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Man Does What He Convinced Himself He Loves For A Living

MILWAUKEE—Explaining with a deep sense of self-delusion that his job provides a “perfect outlet” for both his creative and analytic sides, BTX Communications employee Matthew Krueger confirmed to reporters Thursday that he does exactly what he has convinced himself he loves for a living. “It’s rare that people get to spend every day at work doing what they’re most passionate about, so I’m really fortunate,” the 29-year-old said enthusiastically of the position, which over the past three years has been transformed in Krueger’s mind from a stopgap to pay off student loans to his “dream job.” “It’s essentially what I’ve wanted to do since I was a kid, so it’s wonderful that [I’m trapped here for the foreseeable future, and I’ll just continue repeating ‘this is a fulfilling career’ to myself until it sounds true]. Plus, to actually get paid to do this? Honestly, I couldn’t be happier.” Krueger then assured reporters that he’s one of the luckiest people he knows, after taking into consideration the longtime girlfriend he has persuaded himself is his soulmate.

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