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Man Dying From Cancer Spends Last Good Day On Phone With Insurance Company

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Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.
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Man Dying From Cancer Spends Last Good Day On Phone With Insurance Company

TOLEDO, OH—Displaying a level of strength and mobility that he will never again possess as he paced back and forth across his living room Tuesday, terminally ill man Thomas Halverson reportedly spent the last good day of his life on the phone with his insurance company. According to reports, the 56-year-old with Stage III liver cancer spent much of the morning and afternoon—a period in which he, for the last time ever, maintained a good appetite, a sufficiently functional immune system, and a reasonable level of energy—arguing a claim denial with nearly a dozen representatives across multiple departments, and on two separate occasions, starting his call over from the beginning after being suddenly disconnected. Sources confirmed that Halverson, who will in a matter of weeks be unable to get out of bed unassisted by nursing staff or carry on a conversation with his loved ones without them wondering whether it would be their last, could be seen during an hour-long wait on hold putting his phone on speaker mode while he, still able, stepped out onto his back deck momentarily to enjoy the fresh air. At press time, upon having his call transferred back to the very first representative he spoke with some five hours earlier, sources reported that Halverson could be overheard raising his voice and cursing loudly, the final time he’ll be able to do so without descending into a severely painful coughing fit.

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