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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man Dying From Cancer Spends Last Good Day On Phone With Insurance Company

TOLEDO, OH—Displaying a level of strength and mobility that he will never again possess as he paced back and forth across his living room Tuesday, terminally ill man Thomas Halverson reportedly spent the last good day of his life on the phone with his insurance company. According to reports, the 56-year-old with Stage III liver cancer spent much of the morning and afternoon—a period in which he, for the last time ever, maintained a good appetite, a sufficiently functional immune system, and a reasonable level of energy—arguing a claim denial with nearly a dozen representatives across multiple departments, and on two separate occasions, starting his call over from the beginning after being suddenly disconnected. Sources confirmed that Halverson, who will in a matter of weeks be unable to get out of bed unassisted by nursing staff or carry on a conversation with his loved ones without them wondering whether it would be their last, could be seen during an hour-long wait on hold putting his phone on speaker mode while he, still able, stepped out onto his back deck momentarily to enjoy the fresh air. At press time, upon having his call transferred back to the very first representative he spoke with some five hours earlier, sources reported that Halverson could be overheard raising his voice and cursing loudly, the final time he’ll be able to do so without descending into a severely painful coughing fit.

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