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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Man Eating Cashew Butter Can’t Believe He Wasted So Many Years Fucking Around With Peanut Butter

SYRACUSE, NY—After enjoying his first taste of cashew butter Monday, blindsided local man Gus Darius declared that he was “utterly ashamed” of all the years he’d wasted on the far inferior taste of peanut butter. “You’d think it would be obvious, seeing as cashews taste way, way better than peanuts, but apparently that thought never managed to enter my thick fucking skull,” Darius told reporters, calling himself an “real asshole” for ever picking up and enjoying a jar of peanut butter. “Every day in college, I’d sit there with a thumb up my ass, eating PB and J sandwich like some kind of goddamned rube, and now I’ll never get those years back. Why did Mom never tell me about this? Fuck.” At press time, Darius had switched loyalties back to peanut butter, after realizing that a jar of cashew butter costs $8.99.

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