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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Man Eating Cashew Butter Can’t Believe He Wasted So Many Years Fucking Around With Peanut Butter

SYRACUSE, NY—After enjoying his first taste of cashew butter Monday, blindsided local man Gus Darius declared that he was “utterly ashamed” of all the years he’d wasted on the far inferior taste of peanut butter. “You’d think it would be obvious, seeing as cashews taste way, way better than peanuts, but apparently that thought never managed to enter my thick fucking skull,” Darius told reporters, calling himself an “real asshole” for ever picking up and enjoying a jar of peanut butter. “Every day in college, I’d sit there with a thumb up my ass, eating PB and J sandwich like some kind of goddamned rube, and now I’ll never get those years back. Why did Mom never tell me about this? Fuck.” At press time, Darius had switched loyalties back to peanut butter, after realizing that a jar of cashew butter costs $8.99.

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