adBlockCheck

Local

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Eating Cashew Butter Can’t Believe He Wasted So Many Years Fucking Around With Peanut Butter

SYRACUSE, NY—After enjoying his first taste of cashew butter Monday, blindsided local man Gus Darius declared that he was “utterly ashamed” of all the years he’d wasted on the far inferior taste of peanut butter. “You’d think it would be obvious, seeing as cashews taste way, way better than peanuts, but apparently that thought never managed to enter my thick fucking skull,” Darius told reporters, calling himself an “real asshole” for ever picking up and enjoying a jar of peanut butter. “Every day in college, I’d sit there with a thumb up my ass, eating PB and J sandwich like some kind of goddamned rube, and now I’ll never get those years back. Why did Mom never tell me about this? Fuck.” At press time, Darius had switched loyalties back to peanut butter, after realizing that a jar of cashew butter costs $8.99.

More from this section

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close