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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Man Experiencing First Real Moment Of Peace In Years Resuscitated

PORTLAND, OR—Interrupting the only moment of genuine peace the man had known in several decades, a team of paramedics reportedly resuscitated area resident Alan Taborsky this morning following an apparent cardiac arrest. Reports indicated that just as Taborsky had reached a state of complete relaxation in which he felt unburdened by his life’s troubles for the first time in recent memory, medical technicians wrenched him back into consciousness with a pair of defibrillator pads. By reviving the 62-year-old, emergency personnel reportedly denied Taborsky the deepest sense of contentment of his life, cutting short a soothing and profound state of calm after what sources confirmed was only a few blissful seconds. At press time, a paramedic had informed Taborsky that he was lucky to be alive.

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