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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Man Feeling Guilty About Chowing Down At 9/11 Museum Café

NEW YORK—Eagerly digging into a Southwest chicken wrap after touring the site for two hours this morning, Michael Frydland admitted to reporters that he felt a little guilty about totally pigging out at the National September 11 Memorial & Museum café. “I feel kind of bad chowing down on all this food when I’m supposed to be engaged in sober thought and reflection on the tragedy of 9/11, but at the same time, this chipotle chicken is really, really good,” said Frydland, who also expressed a sense of regret over scarfing down a side of pasta salad, a yogurt parfait, and a 20-oz. Cherry Coke while taking a break from viewing the museum’s exhibits and salvaged artifacts from the 2001 terrorist attack. “I know they’re just trying to provide the best possible experience for guests as they remember the horrors of that awful day, but they’re serving those big chocolate chunk cookies, for God’s sake. There’s no way I’m not getting seconds.” Frydland then reportedly tilted a bag of kettle-cooked potato chips into his mouth, brushed a few crumbs off his shirtfront, and then made his way to the first responders oral history exhibit.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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