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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man Feeling Guilty About Chowing Down At 9/11 Museum Café

NEW YORK—Eagerly digging into a Southwest chicken wrap after touring the site for two hours this morning, Michael Frydland admitted to reporters that he felt a little guilty about totally pigging out at the National September 11 Memorial & Museum café. “I feel kind of bad chowing down on all this food when I’m supposed to be engaged in sober thought and reflection on the tragedy of 9/11, but at the same time, this chipotle chicken is really, really good,” said Frydland, who also expressed a sense of regret over scarfing down a side of pasta salad, a yogurt parfait, and a 20-oz. Cherry Coke while taking a break from viewing the museum’s exhibits and salvaged artifacts from the 2001 terrorist attack. “I know they’re just trying to provide the best possible experience for guests as they remember the horrors of that awful day, but they’re serving those big chocolate chunk cookies, for God’s sake. There’s no way I’m not getting seconds.” Frydland then reportedly tilted a bag of kettle-cooked potato chips into his mouth, brushed a few crumbs off his shirtfront, and then made his way to the first responders oral history exhibit.

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