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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Man Feeling Guilty About Chowing Down At 9/11 Museum Café

NEW YORK—Eagerly digging into a Southwest chicken wrap after touring the site for two hours this morning, Michael Frydland admitted to reporters that he felt a little guilty about totally pigging out at the National September 11 Memorial & Museum café. “I feel kind of bad chowing down on all this food when I’m supposed to be engaged in sober thought and reflection on the tragedy of 9/11, but at the same time, this chipotle chicken is really, really good,” said Frydland, who also expressed a sense of regret over scarfing down a side of pasta salad, a yogurt parfait, and a 20-oz. Cherry Coke while taking a break from viewing the museum’s exhibits and salvaged artifacts from the 2001 terrorist attack. “I know they’re just trying to provide the best possible experience for guests as they remember the horrors of that awful day, but they’re serving those big chocolate chunk cookies, for God’s sake. There’s no way I’m not getting seconds.” Frydland then reportedly tilted a bag of kettle-cooked potato chips into his mouth, brushed a few crumbs off his shirtfront, and then made his way to the first responders oral history exhibit.

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