Man Feels Brief Sense Of Triumph After Completing Free-Frozen-Yogurt Punchcard

In This Section

Vol 36 Issue 45

Direct Marketer Offended By Term 'Junk Mail'

SPOKANE, WA– Dan Spengler, CEO of the direct-mail-marketing firm Mailbox Of Savings, took umbrage Monday at the use of the term "junk mail." "I'm sorry, but we didn't earn receipts in excess of $8 million last year by filling people's mailboxes with 'junk,'" Spengler told the offending party. "How else will potential customers know about bargains like 500 mailing labels for $8.95 or 10 percent off framing at The Great Frame-Up if not by direct mail?" Added Spengler: "It's not like my company calls people at home like telemarketers. Everyone hates that."

Area Man Glad His Brother Is Giving Mom Grandkids

ROME, GA– Area resident Larry Spoerl was thrilled to learn Monday that his brother's wife is pregnant, temporarily relieving him of the pressure to produce grandchildren for his mother. "That's the most wonderful news I've heard in ages," the 31-year-old Spoerl told brother Marc. "Now I can get through Christmas without the whole so- are- you- dating- anyone- how- serious- is- it- does- she- want- a- family interrogation." Despite his momentary elation, Spoerl said his brother's expected child "only buys me a year or two at best."

Plastic Bag Still Up In Tree

BOISE, ID– Employees at Boise Mutual Insurance reported Monday that the red plastic shopping bag they first noticed Dec. 8 is still ensnared in the upper branches of a tree outside their workplace. "Well I'll be–the darn thing is still up there," payroll secretary Barb Weicherle said. "I really thought this weekend's gusts would have blown it out." Office manager Paul Probert was equally surprised, saying, "Son of a gun. It's still there."

Naïve Detective Suspects Fair Play

CHICAGO– Phil Kelly, a naïve detective with Chicago's 15th Precinct, suspected fair play Monday in the shooting death of local businessman Arnold Haver. "The shocked expression on the victim's face leads me to believe that he received some tragic news and subsequently committed suicide," Kelly said. "The fact that the bullet hole entered through his back shows just how determined he was to kill himself." Kelly also cited the misspelling of Haver's name in the suicide note and the fact that the left-handed victim was found with the gun in his right hand as evidence of the incredible stress he was under before taking his own life.

Is Oral Sex Sex?

According to a recent USA Today cover story, oral sex is sharply on the rise among teenagers, many of whom do not consider it a form of sex. What do you think?

A Walk In The Woods

Well, I must say, this is a surprise! My darling son N. Aeschylus has gently lifted me out of my death-bed and is carrying me down-stairs and across the main foyer. This is the season of the Yule-tide, is it not? Perhaps he is taking me to the parlor so that we may open our gifts. I do hope I finally got the shawl I always ask for but never seem to get...

Unkempt Japanese Man Must Be Some Sort Of Artist Or Something

PITTSBURGH– After passing a haggard-looking Japanese man on the street Monday, area resident Gary Webber concluded that the guy must be some sort of artist or poet or something. "Normally, you see a guy dressed in a dirty, ripped coat with his hair all scruffed up, you figure he's just poor. But this guy was Japanese," Webber said. "I bet he's in town to do some kind of art opening. Or maybe a book signing. Whoever he is, he's got to be somebody."
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Internet

Man Feels Brief Sense Of Triumph After Completing Free-Frozen-Yogurt Punchcard

TRAVERSE CITY, MI–After nearly four months of dedicated frozen-yogurt consumption, Roy Kempner, 47, finally earned the 10th and final punch on his Creamy Pete's Preferred Customer Card Monday, giving him a faint sense of accomplishment.

Roy Kempner proudly displays his fully punched Creamy Pete's Preferred Customer Card.

"Well, I guess I did it," said Kempner, holding aloft the completed punch card. "That'll be one free yogurt for me next time."

Kempner, a Traverse City-area substitute teacher, was offered the card following an Aug. 19 purchase of a medium chocolate-vanilla swirl cone at the yogurt franchise. "When the lady asked if I wanted to join the Preferred Customer Club, I thought it might be some sort of racket with a sign-up fee, like they have at Waldenbooks," Kempner said. "But she assured me it was free and said I'd already earned my first punch for the yogurt I'd just ordered, so I thought, what the heck."

During the next several weeks, Kempner made no additional frozen-yogurt purchases, and the punchcard was soon forgotten in the recesses of his wallet. On Sept. 12, however, the card returned to the forefront of Kempner's mind when he pulled out his Visa card to pay for dinner at a local Outback Steakhouse.

"I just happened to notice the punchcard there in my wallet," he said. "Then I realized that the yogurt place was just a couple blocks away. It seemed like fate."

According to Kempner, that evening's purchase of a second frozen yogurt, a medium butterscotch with crushed Heath bars, put the punchcard-completion project into high gear. "I was enjoying the yogurt, and I started thinking, hey, I'm already 20 percent there. I could easily eat eight more of these and actually get that free one," Kempner said. "I'd just need to adjust my travel and dining habits to get to Creamy Pete's more often."

Over the next two months, he made four more trips to Creamy Pete's, enjoying such flavors as peanut butter, raspberry silk, and French vanilla, as well as such exotic toppings as Oreo cookie dough and Sour Patch Kids.

Kempner faced his first setback in mid-November, when he brought his friend Matt into Creamy Pete's. "I thought I could buy a yogurt for myself and one for Matt and get credit for two yogurts," Kempner said. "Matt didn't have a card, so he said I could have his punch. But the girl behind the counter pointed to the rules on the back of the card, which clearly state that credit can only be given for frozen-yogurt items consumed by the card's bearer. Then I asked her if I could get an extra punch if I ate a little bit of Matt's yogurt before he ate it, but she said no."

Embarrassed by his clumsy, ham-fisted attempts to circumvent the rules of the giveaway, Kempner tossed an extra dollar into the Creamy Pete's tip jar.

Upon reaching the six-punch mark, Kempner's free-frozen-yogurt quest stalled, his interest in frozen yogurt waning with the onset of winter. The quest suffered another setback when the card was misplaced during the transfer of materials to a new wallet.

"I forgot about the card until last month, when it somehow turned up in the sock drawer of my dresser," Kempner said. "I usually only eat frozen treats in the summer, so I thought about saving it for next year. But then I noticed it was stamped with a Dec. 31 expiration date. I was like, uh-oh."

Faced with the choice of abandoning the quest or forcing down cold yogurt in 30-degree weather, Kempner opted for the latter. On Dec. 1, he gained his seventh punch, ordering a large coffee yogurt with Butterfinger topping. A week later, a medium vanilla with crumbled Cap'n Crunch bits brought him into the home stretch.

With just two punches to go, the project was nearly derailed when frozen-yogurt fatigue set in. "After the eighth punch, I was really getting sick of yogurt," Kempner said. "On the other hand, I was only two away. So after digging deep and doing some serious soul-searching, I decided I'd gone too far to turn back."

Forcing himself to make two more trips to Creamy Pete's before the clock ran out, Kempner gamely choked down a medium banana with crushed nuts on Dec. 6. Finally, at 5:13 p.m. Monday, Kempner ordered a small, toppingless vanilla, earning his tenth punch and with it, a dim, momentary sense of triumph.

Reflecting on his accomplishment, Kempner said: "Well, it was a long journey, but I did it. I ate 10 yogurts."

Gazing at the well-worn punchcard, Kempner spoke of the future. "As good as I feel now, it doesn't compare to how I'll feel when I get that free yogurt. I will have enjoyed $33 worth of yogurt, and paid only $30 for the privilege–a reward lavished only on the brave."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More