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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Man Figured Drug Addiction Would Take Up A Lot More Free Time

NEW YORK—Explaining that his afternoons and evenings were still pretty much wide open, local man Eric Lang told reporters Friday that he had figured drug addiction would take up a lot more of his free time. “When I first started using heroin, I thought it would consume my every waking moment, but it hasn’t really filled that much of my downtime,” said Lang, adding that his overwhelming compulsion to obtain and take the opiate only accounts for a few hours each day. “I shot up around nine this morning, felt that warm rush, experienced the otherworldly bliss of all my problems, fears, and pain melting away, and then nodded off for a couple of hours. When I came to, I was surprised that I basically still had the whole day ahead of me.” Reports indicate that after 30 minutes of wandering around the house looking for something to do, a bored Lang gave up and took out his heroin to inject another shot.

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