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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Man Figured Drug Addiction Would Take Up A Lot More Free Time

NEW YORK—Explaining that his afternoons and evenings were still pretty much wide open, local man Eric Lang told reporters Friday that he had figured drug addiction would take up a lot more of his free time. “When I first started using heroin, I thought it would consume my every waking moment, but it hasn’t really filled that much of my downtime,” said Lang, adding that his overwhelming compulsion to obtain and take the opiate only accounts for a few hours each day. “I shot up around nine this morning, felt that warm rush, experienced the otherworldly bliss of all my problems, fears, and pain melting away, and then nodded off for a couple of hours. When I came to, I was surprised that I basically still had the whole day ahead of me.” Reports indicate that after 30 minutes of wandering around the house looking for something to do, a bored Lang gave up and took out his heroin to inject another shot.

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