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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Man Figures He Has 2 More Bites Of Roommate’s Leftovers Before It Noticeable

BRIDGEPORT, CT—Examining the contents of a plastic takeout container while standing at the open refrigerator, 23-year-old Andrew Beyer reportedly estimated Wednesday that he could safely have two more bites of his roommate’s leftover chicken pad thai before any decrease in volume became noticeable. “He probably doesn’t remember exactly how much was in there, so I can just grab a couple more bites and then fluff it up a little with the fork,” said Beyer as he carefully extracted a piece of chicken that was hidden at the bottom of the container beneath a mass of rice noodles. “You definitely can’t tell, yet. I could probably get away with snagging a few more noodles and maybe a piece of carrot. But that’s it. I don’t want the ratio to look off.” At press time, Beyer was frantically trying to remember which way the takeout container was facing in the refrigerator.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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