adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Figures He Has 2 More Bites Of Roommate’s Leftovers Before It Noticeable

BRIDGEPORT, CT—Examining the contents of a plastic takeout container while standing at the open refrigerator, 23-year-old Andrew Beyer reportedly estimated Wednesday that he could safely have two more bites of his roommate’s leftover chicken pad thai before any decrease in volume became noticeable. “He probably doesn’t remember exactly how much was in there, so I can just grab a couple more bites and then fluff it up a little with the fork,” said Beyer as he carefully extracted a piece of chicken that was hidden at the bottom of the container beneath a mass of rice noodles. “You definitely can’t tell, yet. I could probably get away with snagging a few more noodles and maybe a piece of carrot. But that’s it. I don’t want the ratio to look off.” At press time, Beyer was frantically trying to remember which way the takeout container was facing in the refrigerator.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close