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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Man Figures He Has 2 More Bites Of Roommate’s Leftovers Before It Noticeable

BRIDGEPORT, CT—Examining the contents of a plastic takeout container while standing at the open refrigerator, 23-year-old Andrew Beyer reportedly estimated Wednesday that he could safely have two more bites of his roommate’s leftover chicken pad thai before any decrease in volume became noticeable. “He probably doesn’t remember exactly how much was in there, so I can just grab a couple more bites and then fluff it up a little with the fork,” said Beyer as he carefully extracted a piece of chicken that was hidden at the bottom of the container beneath a mass of rice noodles. “You definitely can’t tell, yet. I could probably get away with snagging a few more noodles and maybe a piece of carrot. But that’s it. I don’t want the ratio to look off.” At press time, Beyer was frantically trying to remember which way the takeout container was facing in the refrigerator.

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