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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Man Finally Unpauses 'Super Mario Bros.' After 18 Years Of Chores

REYNARD, NV—Nearly two decades after suspending the game to clean the bathroom and mow the front yard, Nevada resident Dennis Rigali, 29, finally resumed the Super Mario Bros. adventure he started in 1991. "My mom would not get off my back until I did all my laundry, and then I had all this stupid school work I had to finish," Rigali said regarding his decision to leave the game paused until after he picked up his room, graduated from college, and dated a woman for 7 years. "Aw, man. The princess is at the other castle?" As of press time, Rigali had not located former next-door neighbor Jeff Isola to take his turn as Luigi.

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