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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Man Fishes For Legendary, Elusive Compliment

SYRACUSE, NY—Junior sales associate James Kilmartin, 32, announced Monday that he is prepared to angle for the oft-fabled, legendary compliment said to reside deep beneath the inhospitable exterior of his supervisor, Lucinda Brannan. "Old Billy Hume in accounting said he had it on the line once when he saved the company a bundle by noticing a billing error, but the damned thing got away when Lucinda suddenly disappeared to take a phone call," Kilmartin said. "Some say [the mythical compliment] is over six minutes long, and can boost a man's self-esteem for nigh on 40 days. But lo, if it turns backhanded, it will cut you in half." Kilmartin said he plans on chumming the breakroom with freshly baked pastries and trawling for the compliment by slowly walking past Brannan's office while loudly noting his sales figures.

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