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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Man Fishes For Legendary, Elusive Compliment

SYRACUSE, NY—Junior sales associate James Kilmartin, 32, announced Monday that he is prepared to angle for the oft-fabled, legendary compliment said to reside deep beneath the inhospitable exterior of his supervisor, Lucinda Brannan. "Old Billy Hume in accounting said he had it on the line once when he saved the company a bundle by noticing a billing error, but the damned thing got away when Lucinda suddenly disappeared to take a phone call," Kilmartin said. "Some say [the mythical compliment] is over six minutes long, and can boost a man's self-esteem for nigh on 40 days. But lo, if it turns backhanded, it will cut you in half." Kilmartin said he plans on chumming the breakroom with freshly baked pastries and trawling for the compliment by slowly walking past Brannan's office while loudly noting his sales figures.

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