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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Man Forced To Come Up With 45 Seconds Of Facial Expressions While Waitress Lists Off Specials

CHICAGO—Racking his brain to come up with what he felt were the most natural and appropriate reactions, local man Jeff Stadler was reportedly forced to come up with 45 seconds’ worth of varied facial expressions Friday as his server at Superior Seafood Grill listed off the restaurant’s daily specials. “We have a seared yellowfin tuna, which is served on a bed of fresh micro greens with a wasabi vinaigrette, as well as a pappardelle pasta with salmon and roasted asparagus,” said Stadler’s waitress, while the 36-year-old financial analyst strung together a series of half-smiles, raised eyebrows, and thoughtful looks that he believed were suitable for each of the establishment’s featured entrées and sides. “And all of the specials have the option of being accompanied by a garden salad or the soup du jour, which is a lobster bisque.” At press time, sources confirmed that a depleted Stadler could only come up with a furrowed brow and a slight nod of his head when his waitress launched into an additional 30-second description of the restaurant’s selection of artisanal cocktails.

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