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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Man Forced To Come Up With 45 Seconds Of Facial Expressions While Waitress Lists Off Specials

CHICAGO—Racking his brain to come up with what he felt were the most natural and appropriate reactions, local man Jeff Stadler was reportedly forced to come up with 45 seconds’ worth of varied facial expressions Friday as his server at Superior Seafood Grill listed off the restaurant’s daily specials. “We have a seared yellowfin tuna, which is served on a bed of fresh micro greens with a wasabi vinaigrette, as well as a pappardelle pasta with salmon and roasted asparagus,” said Stadler’s waitress, while the 36-year-old financial analyst strung together a series of half-smiles, raised eyebrows, and thoughtful looks that he believed were suitable for each of the establishment’s featured entrées and sides. “And all of the specials have the option of being accompanied by a garden salad or the soup du jour, which is a lobster bisque.” At press time, sources confirmed that a depleted Stadler could only come up with a furrowed brow and a slight nod of his head when his waitress launched into an additional 30-second description of the restaurant’s selection of artisanal cocktails.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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