Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Forced To Reverse-Engineer Point In Midst Of Meandering, Absentminded Rant

SALEM, OR—Assembling what he could from the nonsensical musings, local man Donnie Sulkin was forced to reverse-engineer his point Wednesday in the midst of an absentminded rant. “Okay, so let me just work back and try to figure out what I was talking about at the beginning of this,” Sulkin thought as he hastily attempted to cobble together his original point from the few words and phrases he remembered saying while blathering. “If I could just rediscover what any of this was supposed to be about, I can salvage this jumbled diatribe into a semi-logical argument or at least one or two coherent sentences. I guess I’ll have to keep talking and hopefully buy enough time to figure out the reason I’m doing so.” At press time, Sulkin had realized he’d never recall why he’d begun speaking and was now just praying that people would start walking away.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.