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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Man Forced To Reverse-Engineer Point In Midst Of Meandering, Absentminded Rant

SALEM, OR—Assembling what he could from the nonsensical musings, local man Donnie Sulkin was forced to reverse-engineer his point Wednesday in the midst of an absentminded rant. “Okay, so let me just work back and try to figure out what I was talking about at the beginning of this,” Sulkin thought as he hastily attempted to cobble together his original point from the few words and phrases he remembered saying while blathering. “If I could just rediscover what any of this was supposed to be about, I can salvage this jumbled diatribe into a semi-logical argument or at least one or two coherent sentences. I guess I’ll have to keep talking and hopefully buy enough time to figure out the reason I’m doing so.” At press time, Sulkin had realized he’d never recall why he’d begun speaking and was now just praying that people would start walking away.

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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