adBlockCheck

Local

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Forced To Reverse-Engineer Point In Midst Of Meandering, Absentminded Rant

SALEM, OR—Assembling what he could from the nonsensical musings, local man Donnie Sulkin was forced to reverse-engineer his point Wednesday in the midst of an absentminded rant. “Okay, so let me just work back and try to figure out what I was talking about at the beginning of this,” Sulkin thought as he hastily attempted to cobble together his original point from the few words and phrases he remembered saying while blathering. “If I could just rediscover what any of this was supposed to be about, I can salvage this jumbled diatribe into a semi-logical argument or at least one or two coherent sentences. I guess I’ll have to keep talking and hopefully buy enough time to figure out the reason I’m doing so.” At press time, Sulkin had realized he’d never recall why he’d begun speaking and was now just praying that people would start walking away.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close