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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Man Freely Smoking Pot in Washington Literally Has No Issue He Feels Strongly About Anymore

SEATTLE—Celebrating the new law in Washington state that allows him to freely smoke marijuana within his home, local man Erik Cirrone, 25, told reporters Thursday there is no longer any political or social issue he feels strongly about in any way whatsoever. “Yeah, the right to smoke marijuana legally was pretty much the only thing even remotely tying me to events going on in the world,” said Cirrone, who unreservedly took a drag from a joint before adding that he does not have an impassioned stance, or any stance at all, on topics such as the economy, health care, gay rights, unemployment, Gaza, global warming, or any other major domestic or international matter. “I used to consider myself pretty political before this law was passed, but now I realize this was actually the one and only political issue I cared about. Don’t really give a shit about anything else, frankly.” At press time, Cirrone was smoking pot.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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