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Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.

Health Scare Prompts Man To Start Overeating Healthier

ROUND ROCK, TX—Having recently learned from his doctor that he suffered from high blood pressure and elevated cholesterol levels that put him at serious risk for cardiovascular disease and stroke, 43-year-old Donald Fisher told reporters Thursday the unanticipated health scare had prompted him to start overeating healthier.
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Man Freely Smoking Pot in Washington Literally Has No Issue He Feels Strongly About Anymore

SEATTLE—Celebrating the new law in Washington state that allows him to freely smoke marijuana within his home, local man Erik Cirrone, 25, told reporters Thursday there is no longer any political or social issue he feels strongly about in any way whatsoever. “Yeah, the right to smoke marijuana legally was pretty much the only thing even remotely tying me to events going on in the world,” said Cirrone, who unreservedly took a drag from a joint before adding that he does not have an impassioned stance, or any stance at all, on topics such as the economy, health care, gay rights, unemployment, Gaza, global warming, or any other major domestic or international matter. “I used to consider myself pretty political before this law was passed, but now I realize this was actually the one and only political issue I cared about. Don’t really give a shit about anything else, frankly.” At press time, Cirrone was smoking pot.

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Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

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