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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Man From Future Can't Stop Living In The Less-Far-Into-The-Future

LOS ANGELES—Time-traveling neurotic Guy Axiom, more commonly known as "the Man from the Future," cannot stop living in the past, which to us, in the present, is also the future, but not quite as far into the future as the period Axiom hails from, sources close to the beleaguered 23rd-century scientist reported Monday. "You've got to learn to live in the now, not the now that will have been," Axiom's friend Joe Busey said in an attempt to console Axiom. "There's nothing you can do about things that haven't happened yet but will." The cause of Axiom's worries, his ex-girlfriend Jan Strontium, could not be reached for comment, as she will not be born for another 200 years.

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