Man From Future Can't Stop Living In The Less-Far-Into-The-Future

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Vol 46 Issue 12

Zydrunas Ilgauskas Figures He Must Be From Turkey Or Something

CLEVELAND—In a locker room interview prior to his game against the Sacramento Kings Sunday, Cavaliers center Zydrunas Ilgauskas ruminated on his home country, guessing he might be from Romania or Croatia before finally concluding that he is probably from Turkey or someplace like that.

Asian Economic Woes Force Layoffs Of 700,000 Pop Stars

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA—In what is being called the worst development to hit the Asian pop star industry in years, the floundering economy forced several Pacific Rim nations to lay off some 700,000 pop stars this week, sources close to the young, perky e...

Last Supper Meals Getting Larger

A study of 52 depictions of the Last Supper—the final meal Jesus ate with his disciples before he was crucified—found that food portions in the paintings have grown 69 percent over the past millennium.

Highlights Of The 2010 Iditarod

Alaska's Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race is a 1,161-mile spectacle of human courage and canine fortitude, and the 2010 race was an exceptional example.

John Wall

This Kentucky Wildcats freshman phenom is a multitalented point guard who's already generating a lot of speculation about his pro future. Is he any good?
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Man From Future Can't Stop Living In The Less-Far-Into-The-Future

LOS ANGELES—Time-traveling neurotic Guy Axiom, more commonly known as "the Man from the Future," cannot stop living in the past, which to us, in the present, is also the future, but not quite as far into the future as the period Axiom hails from, sources close to the beleaguered 23rd-century scientist reported Monday. "You've got to learn to live in the now, not the now that will have been," Axiom's friend Joe Busey said in an attempt to console Axiom. "There's nothing you can do about things that haven't happened yet but will." The cause of Axiom's worries, his ex-girlfriend Jan Strontium, could not be reached for comment, as she will not be born for another 200 years.

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