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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Man Gets In Best Shape Of Life To Hang From Bar

BEIJING—Over the course of two years, gymnast Fabian Hambuchen has sculpted his body into peak physical condition, reportedly training three times per day, running up to 70 miles per week, and going to the gym as early as 6 a.m. in order to hang from a horizontal bar for various 30-second intervals over the next two weeks. "This is the best I've ever been," said Hambuchen, whose superior cardiovascular system and 2.2 percent body fat are sufficient to allow him to climb Mount Everest, but who will instead hang from, swing from, and jump down from a nine-foot-high bar. "I've trained my whole life for this moment." Hambuchen is currently ranked 14th in the world at hanging from a bar.

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