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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Man Gets Into Mess Usually Reserved For Stars Of Silent Film Era

BOWLING GREEN, KY—Stumbling around his study with a large metal bucket lodged firmly over his head, area accountant and father of three Michael Dewley once again found himself in a situation traditionally reserved for film stars of the early 20th century.

Dewley attempts to mail some letters last March.

Dewley, who works at a local investment firm and once mistook two men inside of a horse costume for the genuine article, got himself in his latest fix early Monday morning. According to sources, this is the fifth time in as many weeks that the 43-year-old has experienced the sort of bumbling mishap usually portrayed in silent American comedies.

“It’s always something with Michael,” said longtime friend and former business associate Phillip Bowman. “Either the poor bastard is getting smacked in the face with a plank of wood, or he’s tumbling head over heels down a long spiral staircase.”

Added Bowman, “I don’t think I’ve ever been out with the guy and not seen him end up covered in feathers.”

Over the course of his life, Dewley has reportedly fallen from a 20-foot barn ladder on seven separate occasions, slipped into a giant vat of fresh cream at least three times, and once, while vacationing with his family in Egypt, managed to stir a 5,000-year-old mummy from its restful slumber.

While the accidents were amusing and even entertaining at first, sources close to Dewley said that watching him repeatedly hammer his own thumb and hop around the room in excruciating pain has grown difficult over time.

“It used to be funny—you know, in a broad sort of way—but now I just feel bad for him,” brother-in-law Peter Havemeyer said. “I mean, how many times can you watch someone get punched in the face by a trained kangaroo before it starts to get to you? Poor Michael. The man is just covered in welts.”

Dewley’s blunders have reportedly taken a tremendous toll on his physical well-being. In April, the 43-year-old was disfigured beyond all recognition after walking into a plate-glass window, while earlier this month, Dewley had to be rushed into surgery following a bloody encounter with a rolling-pin-wielding matron.

According to doctors at Greenview Regional Hospital, if Dewley trips on one more discarded banana peel or is struck in the face by one more malfunctioning Murphy bed, he runs the risk of suffering permanent brain damage.

“We’ve been banned from every opera house in town, and pretty much any hotel with a bellhop or, God forbid, a revolving door,” wife Sheila Dewley said. “It’s getting to be too much. Please don’t tell him, but I’m seriously thinking of taking the kids and just leaving.”

In addition to the strain they have put on his marriage, Dewley’s mishaps have reportedly ruined his personal finances. Three small children, stacked in a teetering column and concealed beneath a full-length trench coat, sold the accountant nearly $6,500 worth of life insurance in November.

Making matters worse, Dewley was laid off from work late last week after mistakenly wrestling his boss’s wife, a dignified woman in a large peacock-feather hat, to the ground.

“I heard they were going to have to sell their home and maybe move in with Sheila’s parents,” former coworker Robert Daverson said. “With everything that’s happened, it’s hard to even look at Michael these days. Especially when his pants fall down in front of large groups of people.”

According to those closest to him, Dewley may have reached the end of his rope. He frequently breaks down at the sight of seltzer water and often experiences crippling nightmares in which he is chased by a giant bicycle horn. Friends are worried the unemployed family man may be on the verge of a complete mental collapse.

“Please make it stop,” said Dewley, his legs slowly sinking in a patch of fresh cement. “I beg you, please, just make it all stop. I’ll do anything—anything!”

As of press time, a strange shadow roughly the size and shape of a concert grand piano, was growing around Dewley’s feet.

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