Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Area Man Cleans Apartment Once Every Relationship

NEW YORK—Saying that he doesn’t like to let dust and clutter pile up for too long, area man Justin Buntz informed reporters Wednesday that he gives his one-bedroom apartment a thorough cleaning once every relationship.

Department Of Interior To Clean Nation's Filter

40 Million Tons Of Gunk Clogging Up Country

WASHINGTON—Interior Secretary Ken Salazar announced Tuesday that a maintenance crew would begin work this week cleaning the nation's filter in order to remove the estimated 40 million tons of gunk, crud, and muck currently clogging up the country.
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Man Getting Futon All Dolled Up For Craigslist Photo Shoot

PHOENIX—Attempting to conceal its wrinkles while carefully brushing its fabric clean of lint and stray threads, local man David Cutler was said to be getting his futon all dolled up Thursday for a Craigslist photo shoot. Witnesses reported that Cutler fussed over the piece of furniture for several minutes in an effort to make it look its most appealing, accessorizing it with strategically arranged pillows that pleasingly offset its natural tones before repositioning it several times to take advantage of the studio apartment’s best available lighting. After rushing over to pick a few loose cat hairs from its surface that had escaped earlier detection, the 29-year-old reportedly snapped several test shots of his subject, making sure he was shooting the furniture from its good side to hide its unsightly fraying seam and coffee stain. At press time, sources say Cutler was trying to coax the stiff and incompliant piece of furniture to lie back so he could get some more provocative shots of it as a bed.

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