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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Man Getting Screwed By Company’s $180,000 Health Deductible

BOULDER, CO—Noting that his out-of-pocket costs seemed a little high, recently hired marketing assistant Jerry Aarons, 32, told sources Tuesday that he is beginning to suspect he’s getting screwed over by his health plan’s $180,000 deductible. “At my last job my annual deductible was only around $900 for the same coverage, so this seems a little off the mark,” said Aarons, recalling how the plan had looked like a good deal on paper because once he pays the $180,000, he’d only be responsible for 60 percent of the subsequent costs plus no co-pay for preventative care. “After signing up, I did some rough estimates and I was like, ‘Oh man, I have to go to the doctor 400 times and have 26 elective surgeries before this becomes worth it.’ You know, I bet this plan is probably meant for an older person whose health isn’t as great.” At press time, Aarons was also starting to question the value of having a 401(k) that can’t be touched until he’s 130.

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