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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Man Getting Screwed By Company’s $180,000 Health Deductible

BOULDER, CO—Noting that his out-of-pocket costs seemed a little high, recently hired marketing assistant Jerry Aarons, 32, told sources Tuesday that he is beginning to suspect he’s getting screwed over by his health plan’s $180,000 deductible. “At my last job my annual deductible was only around $900 for the same coverage, so this seems a little off the mark,” said Aarons, recalling how the plan had looked like a good deal on paper because once he pays the $180,000, he’d only be responsible for 60 percent of the subsequent costs plus no co-pay for preventative care. “After signing up, I did some rough estimates and I was like, ‘Oh man, I have to go to the doctor 400 times and have 26 elective surgeries before this becomes worth it.’ You know, I bet this plan is probably meant for an older person whose health isn’t as great.” At press time, Aarons was also starting to question the value of having a 401(k) that can’t be touched until he’s 130.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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