Man Given Points For Trying Increases Total Trying Points To 643,457

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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

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MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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College Freshman Decides To Be Lanyard-Wearing Kind

ANN ARBOR, MI—Emphasizing that this was not a choice he had made lightly, University of Michigan student Kevin Peterson told reporters Thursday that he had officially decided to become one of the lanyard-wearing kind of freshmen.

Man Given Points For Trying Increases Total Trying Points To 643,457

HIAWATHA, IA—After a failed attempt to surprise his family with a chili dinner Friday, Frank Hayden, 38, was given 16 points for trying by his wife, Laura, thereby increasing his running total of trying points to 643,457. "I told him you have to brown the meat before you put the sauce in, or else it doesn't cook right," Mrs. Hayden said. "At least he put in the effort." The failed sauce follows a lifetime of attempts that have earned Hayden points for trying, including failing to climb a rope in fifth-grade gym class, screwing up a tryout to play guitar for an area band, botching his attempt to fix the radio of his 1994 Saab 900, incorrectly ordering a meal in Spanish, and his eldest daughter, Carmen. Hayden is currently trying to save up the 750,000 trying points needed to get a beanbag chair.