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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.
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Man Given Points For Trying Increases Total Trying Points To 643,457

HIAWATHA, IA—After a failed attempt to surprise his family with a chili dinner Friday, Frank Hayden, 38, was given 16 points for trying by his wife, Laura, thereby increasing his running total of trying points to 643,457. "I told him you have to brown the meat before you put the sauce in, or else it doesn't cook right," Mrs. Hayden said. "At least he put in the effort." The failed sauce follows a lifetime of attempts that have earned Hayden points for trying, including failing to climb a rope in fifth-grade gym class, screwing up a tryout to play guitar for an area band, botching his attempt to fix the radio of his 1994 Saab 900, incorrectly ordering a meal in Spanish, and his eldest daughter, Carmen. Hayden is currently trying to save up the 750,000 trying points needed to get a beanbag chair.

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