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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Man Given Points For Trying Increases Total Trying Points To 643,457

HIAWATHA, IA—After a failed attempt to surprise his family with a chili dinner Friday, Frank Hayden, 38, was given 16 points for trying by his wife, Laura, thereby increasing his running total of trying points to 643,457. "I told him you have to brown the meat before you put the sauce in, or else it doesn't cook right," Mrs. Hayden said. "At least he put in the effort." The failed sauce follows a lifetime of attempts that have earned Hayden points for trying, including failing to climb a rope in fifth-grade gym class, screwing up a tryout to play guitar for an area band, botching his attempt to fix the radio of his 1994 Saab 900, incorrectly ordering a meal in Spanish, and his eldest daughter, Carmen. Hayden is currently trying to save up the 750,000 trying points needed to get a beanbag chair.

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