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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Man Going To Show Up To Launch Of J.K. Rowling's New Book Dressed As Severus Snape Anyway

SEAFORD, DE—Disregarding the fact that the novel has nothing to do with Harry Potter or wizardry, local man Quincy Basset, 33, announced his plan to line up for the release of J.K. Rowling’s The Casual Vacancy dressed as Severus Snape anyway. “Fuck it, I don’t care if he’s not in the book,” said Basset, donning his long robes, $200 potion master jacket, and flowing jet black wig as he has for the releases of the past three Harry Potter books, and all eight films. “Look, it’s a book release, J.K. Rowling wrote the book, and I’ve got a Snape outfit. So I’m just going to go for it.” At press time, Basset was waiting in line at his local Barnes and Noble alongside dozens of fans dressed up as the middle-class English teachers, doctors, and shopkeeper characters featured in Rowling’s new book.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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