Man Going To Taco Bell 'With Or Without You'

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Vol 39 Issue 28

Bush Not Heard From For Over A Month

WASHINGTON, DC—Beltway insiders and members of the media expressed concern Monday that President Bush has not been heard from for nearly five weeks. "I hope he's okay," said Secretary of State Colin Powell. "It's just like him to go off on a fishing trip to Alaska or something and not tell anyone. Which is fine. I mean, he's the president and can do what he wants and all that, but we kind of need to wrap up this whole Liberia thing we started." White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan admitted that he was unclear about the president's whereabouts, but figured he must be "off somewhere busy with something."

Hot New Secretary Of Transportation To 'Shake Up' U.S. Highways

WASHINGTON, DC—In a press conference announcing the replacement of Norman Mineta, vivacious new Secretary of Transportation Kyla Damon unveiled plans Tuesday to "shake up" U.S. highways. "You think you've seen negotiation and implementation of international transportation agreements and the issuance of regulations to prevent alcohol and illegal-drug misuse in U.S. transportation systems?" Damon said. "Well, think again!" Damon added that her first order of business would be to "say so long to that dusty old fossil known as the Federal Highway Administration."

Area Man Overly Proud Of Never Wearing Underwear

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Local record-store clerk Greg Oertel, 23, seems inordinately proud that he never wears underwear, Oertel's coworkers told reporters Tuesday. "I've heard Greg mention about 10 times that he never wears underwear," coworker Jake Hannah said. "He acts like he doesn't care what we think about it, but I'm beginning to suspect he does." According to his friends, Oertel insists that he gets hot when he wears underwear, so he "just doesn't bother," and that "it's no big deal." 

Widower Misses Sex With Dead Wife Terribly

SCOTTSBLUFF, NE—Nearly one year after a car accident claimed the life of wife Sarah, Lloyd Monreal still misses having sex with her "more than I can say," the 44-year-old reported Tuesday. "Even now, every room in the house reminds me of the times we had sex in it," Monreal said, fighting back tears. "I don't care if 40 years go by. I'll never forget her breasts, her ass, those thighs." In honor of the anniversary, Monreal will eat a quiet dinner at home, after which he will take out a box of old photographs and perform a one-hour masturbation vigil by candlelight.

Man Trapped Under Boulder Braces For Possible Good Morning America Interview

YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—Rock climber Scott Prichard, 31, who has spent the last 48 hours with his legs pinned under a boulder on Glacier Point, is reportedly bracing himself for a possible interview on Good Morning America. "God, Charles Gibson, that chubby weatherman with the wisecracks," a sweat- and urine-soaked Prichard said. "I pray Diane Sawyer doesn't ask me if I wanted to climb the Point 'because it was there.' I just would not be able to stomach that kind of inane chit-chat." Prichard then passed out from the intense pain. 

Troops To Stay In Iraq

U.S. military officials recently announced that thousands of soldiers will remain in Iraq for longer than previously stated. What do you think?

In Sex Sales, What You're Really Selling Is Yourself

The younger women come to me nearly every day and ask, "Traci, what is your secret? How are you so successful, while I struggle every day just to make ends meet?" I smile, because I used to be like them: insecure and afraid. That was before I developed my patented Three-Point Plan™, the only sure-fire path to spectacular success. It starts with one simple lesson: In sex sales, what you're really selling is yourself.
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

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Man Going To Taco Bell 'With Or Without You'

BOWLING GREEN, OH—After a series of delays, Josh Brooks, 29, reportedly informed his two roommates Monday evening that he was going to Taco Bell with or without them.

Taco Bell

"I'm going," said Brooks, a distribution manager for the Bowling Green Sentinel-Tribune. "You guys don't have to come. But if you want to, I'm going, like, now. I'm grabbing my keys, then I'm out of here."

Brooks first proposed a trip to the Taco Bell restaurant on East Wooster St. at 6:13 p.m., echoing the popular ad campaign of the Mexican fast-food giant with his suggestion that the three friends "make a run for the border."

"Look, I don't have all night," Brooks said. "But if you guys want to come with me... to get some delicious hot Mexican food..."

Roommates Tony Solomon, 26, and Ron Alexander, 25, reportedly expressed lukewarm interest in the excursion.

"Yeah, man—I guess I could go for a Steak Soft Taco or something," Solomon said, without looking up from the television. "Yeah, I guess I'll go."

Alexander's interest in the meal was coupled with serious reservations.

"I should get out of the house for a while, but I'm pretty broke," he said, walking to his bedroom. "I'll go look for some change."

After several minutes of watching his roommates' preparations, Brooks said again that he was in no mood to wait.

Brooks announces his departure to the Taco Bell on East Wooster St. (left).

"Tone, you don't need the jacket," Brooks told Solomon, who had begun to search the floor around the couch for clothing. "Let's just go. It's 10 minutes away. We'll be in the car the whole time. Round trip'll take 30 minutes, tops. C'mon."

"You don't need your warm-ups, Beckham," Brooks added, sighing. "Listen, I'm out of here in two minutes whether you guys are with me or not."

Gathering his wallet and keys, Brooks relocated to the area by the front door.

"Ronnie, I'll buy you a taco if you want," Brooks said, calling into the back bedroom. "I'm getting old here. I'm not going to bring anything back, so if you want it, you gotta come. Now."

Continued Brooks: "Or not. Whatever. I just thought we'd talked about how we all wanted to go. Just make up your minds, kids, 'cause the train's leaving the station."

"Okay!" Brooks said, clapping his hands as Alexander emerged from the bedroom. "It's TB time."

In spite of the announcement, the group did not leave.

"Just a sec," Solomon said, finally rising from the couch. "I gotta clean up, then we can go."

According to Brooks, this is not the first time Solomon has further delayed the group by wasting time he could have been using to get ready.

"He just sits there and does nothing," Brooks said to Alexander. "Just lays on his ass until I make him move. If it weren't for me, that guy would never leave the house. I can't spend my day just waiting for him. If he isn't out here in two minutes, we're leaving without him."

In spite of the pronouncement, Brooks rarely, if ever, leaves the apartment alone after such a threat. According to Solomon, Brooks feels the need to "decide every last thing we do."

"It's like last month, when we were throwing this party," Solomon said later. "He begged me to go with him to the store to buy the beer. We got there, and before I knew it he was standing at the register with two cases of MGD in cans. He was like, 'Look, man, we're getting MGD cans. That's all there is to it.'"

Added Solomon: "I mean, I like MGD, but he didn't have to be a dick about it."

Dr. Janice Shoreham, a psychiatrist and adjunct professor at Bowling Green State University, said Brooks' behavior is characteristic of an altruistic dominant male in a household of twentysomethings.

"[Brooks] sees himself as the lighthouse, and his less-motivated friends as ill-fated ships, cruising toward the rocks," Shoreham said. "If he doesn't lead them to safety, or in this case a delicious Seven Layer Burrito, he feels he has let them down."

Brooks disagreed.

"I really don't care if you guys come or not," Brooks said, opening the front door. "That's it—I'm heading out. I'm vapor. I've been ready, and I'm leaving."

Added Brooks: "I'm not kidding. I'm leaving now. Are you guys coming or what?"

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