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What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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Man Going To Take Edge Off With Decades-Long Slide Into Alcoholism

FRISCO, CO—Loosening his tie upon returning home from a long day of work, local insurance adjuster Patrick Wandel informed reporters Tuesday of his intention to relax and take the edge off with a decades-long slide into alcoholism. “I busted my ass today, and now I just want to take a load off and kick back with a slow, crippling 30-year descent into alcohol addiction,” Wandel said as he sank comfortably into his sofa and the beginnings of a struggle that will one day culminate in a diagnosis of early-onset liver disease. “Nothing helps me unwind like moving one step closer to a chemical dependency that gets progressively worse until reaching a self-destructive climax sometime around middle age.” Wandel later announced plans to reward himself for his hard work by flipping through a stack of takeout menus, picking up the phone, and plunging straight into obesity.

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