adBlockCheck

Man Going To Trust Society’s Determination That He Deserves His Privilege

Top Headlines

Recent News

Secretary Of Interior Unveils Plans For New High-Speed Creek

WASHINGTON—Calling the $650 million project the “future of America’s pastoral waterways,” Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell unveiled the agency’s plans for a new high-speed creek Thursday that would reportedly connect Weybridge, VT with the adjacent town of Addison.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

The Pros And Cons Of Affirmative Action

The Supreme Court upheld a challenge to the University of Texas at Austin’s affirmative action program Thursday, reigniting debate over the merits of policies that favor members of groups frequently targeted by discrimination. Here are the pros and cons of affirmative action
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Man Going To Trust Society’s Determination That He Deserves His Privilege

Naylor says he’s just going to go ahead and believe that the social order singled him out for a lifetime of preferential treatment for a reason.
Naylor says he’s just going to go ahead and believe that the social order singled him out for a lifetime of preferential treatment for a reason.

IRVINE, CA—Assuming that the many benefits he enjoys every day would not have been granted to him if he weren’t fully entitled to them, local man Brandon Naylor told reporters Wednesday he is willing to accept society’s determination that he deserves his privilege.

“If our culture has decided I get to live a life of ease and limitless opportunity—and clearly it has—there’s got to be a good reason for that, right?” said the 29-year-old, who reportedly possesses such advantages as financial security, the routine deference of almost everyone he meets, and a general freedom from discomfort or want. “As far back as I can remember, I’ve been helped along by a social order that has smoothed the path in front of me, and I can’t imagine that would continue to happen if it weren’t somehow justified.”

“There’s really no other explanation if you think about it,” he added.

As a result, Naylor stated, he has full faith society has acted fairly in bestowing upon him a relatively privileged upbringing in a safe neighborhood, quickly approved loan applications, the ability to get a job interview just about anywhere with a few phone calls, and, generally speaking, the benefit of the doubt in almost every area of his life. The Orange County native reasoned that the hundreds of millions of people who compose society had made a conscious, collective decision to grant him such perks, and that it was not for him to question their judgment.

Pointing to his strong educational advantages and the fact that he has never once felt threatened by law enforcement, Naylor acknowledged his situation contrasts starkly with that of individuals who lack the resources necessary to ensure they will never have to try particularly hard to obtain the things they want.

“I look around and see a lot of people who don’t have what I have, which leads me to conclude our social institutions have these built-in disparities for a purpose—one that I trust makes perfect sense,” he said, explaining that “someone probably would have done something about it” otherwise. “In fact, I would go so far as to presume that, for some reason or another, these people do not deserve the same personal, professional, and monetary leg up that I’ve had every step of the way. It’s just common sense.”

Though the Claremont McKenna College graduate conceded he cannot remember doing anything that would warrant him receiving the helpful connections with others in high places, the fast track to professional advancement, and the plain old social standing that have allowed him to pursue his happiness unimpeded, he remarked that he is not the only one to have been afforded such benefits. Indeed, he pointed to numerous similarly advantaged individuals around him whose situations, he has deduced, must also be justified.

“Most of my friends and coworkers seem to be pretty well set as far as being successful and fulfilled goes, so society must have decided they deserve it, too,” Naylor said. “And come to think of it, everyone in my family also has a pretty easy life. It’s been that way for generations, actually.”

“And unless something changes, my plan is to just keep going with it,” he added. “I guess it’s possible things could be different someday, but I kind of doubt it.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close