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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

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ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

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WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Man Going To Trust Society’s Determination That He Deserves His Privilege

Naylor says he’s just going to go ahead and believe that the social order singled him out for a lifetime of preferential treatment for a reason.
Naylor says he’s just going to go ahead and believe that the social order singled him out for a lifetime of preferential treatment for a reason.

IRVINE, CA—Assuming that the many benefits he enjoys every day would not have been granted to him if he weren’t fully entitled to them, local man Brandon Naylor told reporters Wednesday he is willing to accept society’s determination that he deserves his privilege.

“If our culture has decided I get to live a life of ease and limitless opportunity—and clearly it has—there’s got to be a good reason for that, right?” said the 29-year-old, who reportedly possesses such advantages as financial security, the routine deference of almost everyone he meets, and a general freedom from discomfort or want. “As far back as I can remember, I’ve been helped along by a social order that has smoothed the path in front of me, and I can’t imagine that would continue to happen if it weren’t somehow justified.”

“There’s really no other explanation if you think about it,” he added.

As a result, Naylor stated, he has full faith society has acted fairly in bestowing upon him a relatively privileged upbringing in a safe neighborhood, quickly approved loan applications, the ability to get a job interview just about anywhere with a few phone calls, and, generally speaking, the benefit of the doubt in almost every area of his life. The Orange County native reasoned that the hundreds of millions of people who compose society had made a conscious, collective decision to grant him such perks, and that it was not for him to question their judgment.

Pointing to his strong educational advantages and the fact that he has never once felt threatened by law enforcement, Naylor acknowledged his situation contrasts starkly with that of individuals who lack the resources necessary to ensure they will never have to try particularly hard to obtain the things they want.

“I look around and see a lot of people who don’t have what I have, which leads me to conclude our social institutions have these built-in disparities for a purpose—one that I trust makes perfect sense,” he said, explaining that “someone probably would have done something about it” otherwise. “In fact, I would go so far as to presume that, for some reason or another, these people do not deserve the same personal, professional, and monetary leg up that I’ve had every step of the way. It’s just common sense.”

Though the Claremont McKenna College graduate conceded he cannot remember doing anything that would warrant him receiving the helpful connections with others in high places, the fast track to professional advancement, and the plain old social standing that have allowed him to pursue his happiness unimpeded, he remarked that he is not the only one to have been afforded such benefits. Indeed, he pointed to numerous similarly advantaged individuals around him whose situations, he has deduced, must also be justified.

“Most of my friends and coworkers seem to be pretty well set as far as being successful and fulfilled goes, so society must have decided they deserve it, too,” Naylor said. “And come to think of it, everyone in my family also has a pretty easy life. It’s been that way for generations, actually.”

“And unless something changes, my plan is to just keep going with it,” he added. “I guess it’s possible things could be different someday, but I kind of doubt it.”

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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