Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one. “Jesus, where the hell did that come from?” said the startled 33-year-old, stating that he had been under the impression he was simply clearing his throat and was by no means expecting to eject such a behemoth. “If I’d known what I was in for I would’ve gotten a tissue ready, but this thing totally came out of left field. Ugh, God, it’s in my mouth now.” Reese went on to say that although his next cough appeared as if it would be benign, after what had just transpired he was bracing himself for anything.

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