adBlockCheck

Health and Wellness

Body Given False Hope With First Piece Of Fruit In 9 Days

DULUTH, MN—Excitedly believing the chunk of strawberry marked the beginning of a new, more nutritious diet, the body of area woman Jenny Cook was reportedly given a sense of false hope Friday after the 27-year-old consumed a piece of fruit for the first time in nine days.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.
End Of Section
  • More News

Health and Wellness

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one. “Jesus, where the hell did that come from?” said the startled 33-year-old, stating that he had been under the impression he was simply clearing his throat and was by no means expecting to eject such a behemoth. “If I’d known what I was in for I would’ve gotten a tissue ready, but this thing totally came out of left field. Ugh, God, it’s in my mouth now.” Reese went on to say that although his next cough appeared as if it would be benign, after what had just transpired he was bracing himself for anything.

Health and Wellness Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close