adBlockCheck

Recent News

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
End Of Section
  • More News

Man Has Amazing Ass

TASHEN, OH—In what is the most remarkable story to come out of Tashen, OH, in decades, resident Lance Holdger has an amazing ass.

Lance Holdger, in a rare frontal shot.

Sculpted, tight, and slightly lofted, Holdger's ass is naturally tan and completely hairless, and possesses the consistency of a gelatinous stone. The 750 residents of Tashen are well aware of this and, as a result, are unable to get enough of that ass.

The empirical grandeur of Holdger's ass, Tashen mayor Wayne Rinaldo said, allows it to be celebrated by people without regard to sexual preference, age, creed or aesthetic inclination.

"Whether one wants to caress, fondle, finger, wipe, rim, penetrate, paint, write about, or simply behold Mr. Holdger's ass, it doesn't matter," Rinaldo said. "That ass is open to all things, from wholesome admiration to profane defilement. It is that amazing of an ass. No one can stop thinking about that ass."

Tashen's favorite obsession has manifested itself in numerous ways. The entrance to the local mall is decorated with a pair of 12-foot glowing orbs that replicate and enlarge the splendor of Holdger's ass. In a $2 million renovation blitz, the city's water towers were rebuilt to look like Holdger's ass. The covers of Tashen's tourist brochures are festooned with unretouched photos of Holdger's ass, and the same photos are used in the school district's anatomy and art textbooks. Tashen High School's team nickname was changed from the Battlin' Warriors to the Battlin' Holdger's Asses. The football team's helmets have been indented to look like Holdger's ass.

"Sometimes, those flesh-colored, ass-like helmets fool even me," Tashen High School football coach Ed Meadrock said. "I'm thinking, hey, I want a piece of that."

Most striking is Assmas, Tashen's annual spring festival celebrating Holdger's ass. As Tashen resident Vic Henshaw described it, "Assmas is exactly like Christmas, except instead of trimming a tree, we trim Holdger's ass. Instead of reveling in the glory of Jesus and the spirit of Christianity, we revel in the glory of Holdger's ass and the spirit of Holdger's ass. It's almost identical."

For the duration of Assmas, which covers the last 20 days in May, everything in Tashen shuts down, with the exception of Holdger's ass. The only sounds that are heard are those that come from Holdger's ass. The only gifts that are given must be in the shape of, or depict some aspect of, or reflect in some essential way, Holdger's ass. The only words allowed to be thought are "Holdger's ass."

At the end of the festival, Holdger and his ass are raised high above the city hall. Glowing and inspiring, the ass emanates its perfect scent, sight and sound to the yielding minions that believe in one thing and one thing only: Holdger's ass. And all is perfect and peaceful.

Residents of Tashen are well aware that their ass worship may seem strange to outsiders, and they are eager to explain.

"People who aren't from here have to realize something about Holdger's ass," lifelong Tashen resident Paula Baines said. "It's not like a regular ass, or even an extremely above-average ass. Holdger's ass is on a different plane of asshood than your ass or mine entirely. A holy plane. Just thinking about Holdger's ass makes me want to think about Holdger's ass some more. Go now. Go and learn Holdger's ass."

"We exaggerate about a lot of things here in Tashen," resident Duane Renfro said. "Our stranglehold on the pillbox industry, the cleanliness of our lakes, the safety of our streets, the quality of our hotels. But there is one thing about Tashen that needs no exaggeration. And that is Holdger's ass."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close