adBlockCheck

Man Has Derogatory Nickname For Every Neighboring Town

Top Headlines

Recent News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Man Has Derogatory Nickname For Every Neighboring Town

VANDALIA, IL—According to friends and acquaintances, local resident Paul Sadecki is a walking repository of derogatory nicknames for towns surrounding Vandalia.

Sadecki, who spares no nearby town from his name twists.

"St. Elmo? More like St. Smellmo," said Sadecki, 25, a printing-press operator and part-time delivery driver. "They've got a Hormel plant over in St. Elmo, and the whole town reeks of processed meat. You could also call it St. Hellmo, since there's pretty much nothing to do there besides hang out at the A&W."

Born and raised in Vandalia, Sadecki has been disparaging neighboring towns through the modification of their names since high school. Though his peers abandoned the practice soon after graduation, Sadecki continued, and he is now considered Vandalia's undisputed master of the geographic putdown.

"He's constantly taking shots at Brownstown and all these other places," said friend Gregg Henke, 25. "I used to do it with him back in shop class, but for some reason, he's stuck with it."

"I just call them like I see them," Sadecki said. "I'm not afraid to stand up and call a spade a spade—or Litchfield 'Bitchfield.'"

Added Sadecki: "If you ever met a chick from Litchfield, you'd know exactly what I mean."

From Greenville to Mulberry Grove, no municipality is safe from Sadecki's devastating name alterations.

"Just up the road from here is Hagarstown, which I like to call Hagar The Horrible Town. That place is a pit. You could also accurately describe it as Fagarstown, since the guys there are all fags. Back in high school, we used to play them every year in football, and we'd always kick their asses."

Some Sadecki nicknames play off a particular town's geography, such as his "Land O' Lake Trash" moniker for Keyesport, which is located on the western bank of the polluted Carlyle Lake. A majority of the nicknames, however, are produced via a simple pun-based, Wacky Packages-style modification of the town name. Examples include Heaver Creek (Beaver Creek), Show Yer Boner (Shobonier), and Bunghole (Bingham). An estimated 40 percent call into question the heterosexuality of the town's inhabitants.

Despite Sadecki's proficiency at civic slams, some towns' ideal nicknames continue to elude him.

"Van Burensburg seems like it'd be easy, but it's not," Sadecki said. "I used to call it Van Turdburglar, 'cause they got a lot of homos there, too, but that kind of felt like a stretch. You could do Van Halensburg, but that'd be a compliment, like the town really rocks or something. I think there was a president called Van Buren, but I don't know anything about him. So it's tough."

Though many people assume Sadecki's nicknaming habit is motivated by a deep disdain for any town other than Vandalia, those close to him dismiss the notion.

"Paul has friends in all those towns," said friend and former roommate Wayne Kessler, 26. "He just bought a car from this buddy of his up in Brownstown. He loves the car, even though he keeps referring to it as his car from Brownstain, or his 'shitheap from Shittown.' It's not like he truly believes the girls in Litchfield are bitches; last year, he had a girlfriend from Bitchfield. I mean Litchfield. Shit, now he's got me doing it."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close