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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Man Has Mixed Feelings About Having Disease Named After Him

CHICOPEE, MA—In the three years since Dominic Quinn was diagnosed with a previously undetected gastrointestinal disorder, he's become a household name. Yet, for all his notoriety, the 44-year-old Chicopee claims adjuster remains ambivalent about being the Quinn behind Quinn's Disease.

The semi-proud Quinn takes pills for his eponymous disease.

"I suppose it's an honor," Quinn told reporters Monday. "I mean, how many people get something named after them? Then again, it'd be nice if I could have somehow gotten the notoriety without having to suffer from a disease."

Quinn's Disease, believed to afflict one in every two million Americans, is a non-fatal genetic disorder that impairs the parts of the brain that control alimentary and digestive functions. Symptoms include severe gastrointestinal distress, esophageal inflammation, and constipation and gaseousness. In certain cases, a narrowing of the colon and extreme impacting of the bowels can result, with the pressure becoming so great that a violent hemorrhage of blood and fecal matter occurs.

Quinn's ailment makes it necessary for him to submit to round-the-clock medical surveillance and a grueling regimen of thrice-daily enemas and anti-constipation drugs. In addition, since his March 1999 diagnosis, Quinn has undergone 11 operations to clear his large intestine of densely packed, highly toxic waste matter.

Given the choice, Quinn would prefer to derive fame from other aspects of his life, such as being a devoted father and husband and a skilled potter. Quinn is particularly proud of having spearheaded a 1987 effort to preserve and restore an 18th-century farmhouse near his home that was slated for demolition. But the public seems unanimous in its opinion that none of these accomplishments are as noteworthy as the colon-obstructing disease that bears his name.

"I heard that Lou Gehrig had a problem with ALS being named after him," Quinn said. "He was always telling his wife, 'You know, I was a completely disease-free pro ballplayer for more than a decade before I started to show even the slightest symptoms.' Boy, can I relate. Except, at least Lou Gehrig's Disease is also referred to as Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis. They've never even given my condition a scientific name. It's just Quinn's Disease, and that's it."

Continued Quinn: "Sometimes, I wish I'd contracted a syndrome instead of a disease. Syndromes are often given descriptive names like Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. I begged the doctors to reclassify my disease as a syndrome and call it, say, 'Anal-Blockage Syndrome,' but he refused because, technically, a syndrome is defined as a group of various symptoms that culminate in an abnormality. Mine is not an abnormality: I just can't shit properly."

Nevertheless, Quinn remains hopeful that, by giving the disease a human face, he has helped raise awareness of Quinn's Disease, increasing the likelihood of a cure.

"If my pioneering example can help one day eradicate this terrible disease, it will have all been worth it," Quinn said. "But until that day comes, I'm just Nicky Quinn, the exploding-feces guy."

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