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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man Has Mosquito On The Run

RALEIGH, NC—As of 11:42 p.m. Tuesday, area resident Derek Moore had reportedly cornered the mosquito that had been harassing him all evening, effectively neutralizing the insect and regaining the strategic advantage. "I have him right where I want him," Moore said of the 2.4 mg adult mosquito, whose extremely sensitive antennal hairs can detect the slightest movement in air pressure, allowing it to evade predators. "He knows I almost got him that last time, and he's been pretty quiet for a while now. He'll think twice before coming at me again." The mosquito was reportedly waiting until Moore fell asleep to bite the man repeatedly, suck his blood, and permanently incapacitate him with malarial parasites.

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