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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Man Has Mosquito On The Run

RALEIGH, NC—As of 11:42 p.m. Tuesday, area resident Derek Moore had reportedly cornered the mosquito that had been harassing him all evening, effectively neutralizing the insect and regaining the strategic advantage. "I have him right where I want him," Moore said of the 2.4 mg adult mosquito, whose extremely sensitive antennal hairs can detect the slightest movement in air pressure, allowing it to evade predators. "He knows I almost got him that last time, and he's been pretty quiet for a while now. He'll think twice before coming at me again." The mosquito was reportedly waiting until Moore fell asleep to bite the man repeatedly, suck his blood, and permanently incapacitate him with malarial parasites.

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