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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Man Has Mosquito On The Run

RALEIGH, NC—As of 11:42 p.m. Tuesday, area resident Derek Moore had reportedly cornered the mosquito that had been harassing him all evening, effectively neutralizing the insect and regaining the strategic advantage. "I have him right where I want him," Moore said of the 2.4 mg adult mosquito, whose extremely sensitive antennal hairs can detect the slightest movement in air pressure, allowing it to evade predators. "He knows I almost got him that last time, and he's been pretty quiet for a while now. He'll think twice before coming at me again." The mosquito was reportedly waiting until Moore fell asleep to bite the man repeatedly, suck his blood, and permanently incapacitate him with malarial parasites.

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