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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Man Has Never Given Single Definitive Yes To Any Invitation He's Ever Received

RICHMOND, VA—As far as coworkers and friends of local resident Jamie Brewster can determine, the 32-year-old paralegal has never once unequivocally accepted any invitation he has received in his entire life. “Whenever we ask him to one of our after-work get-togethers, he always says something like ‘Cool, hopefully I’ll be able to stop by,’” coworker Janice Simmons told reporters Monday, adding that Brewster’s repertoire of qualified invitation responses also includes the phrases “Yeah, we’ll see,” “It’s possible I could swing that,” and “Definitely, as long as I can finish up my work and get out of here at a decent time.” “Just once it would be nice to hear a simple ‘Yes, I’d love to come.’ Actually, at this point, I’d settle for a definitive, unambiguous response of any kind. A flat-out no would at least be honest.” At press time, Brewster had tentatively expressed his desire to attend an employee birthday celebration currently taking place in the office breakroom.

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