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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Man Has Never Given Single Definitive Yes To Any Invitation He's Ever Received

RICHMOND, VA—As far as coworkers and friends of local resident Jamie Brewster can determine, the 32-year-old paralegal has never once unequivocally accepted any invitation he has received in his entire life. “Whenever we ask him to one of our after-work get-togethers, he always says something like ‘Cool, hopefully I’ll be able to stop by,’” coworker Janice Simmons told reporters Monday, adding that Brewster’s repertoire of qualified invitation responses also includes the phrases “Yeah, we’ll see,” “It’s possible I could swing that,” and “Definitely, as long as I can finish up my work and get out of here at a decent time.” “Just once it would be nice to hear a simple ‘Yes, I’d love to come.’ Actually, at this point, I’d settle for a definitive, unambiguous response of any kind. A flat-out no would at least be honest.” At press time, Brewster had tentatively expressed his desire to attend an employee birthday celebration currently taking place in the office breakroom.

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