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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Man Has Never Given Single Definitive Yes To Any Invitation He's Ever Received

RICHMOND, VA—As far as coworkers and friends of local resident Jamie Brewster can determine, the 32-year-old paralegal has never once unequivocally accepted any invitation he has received in his entire life. “Whenever we ask him to one of our after-work get-togethers, he always says something like ‘Cool, hopefully I’ll be able to stop by,’” coworker Janice Simmons told reporters Monday, adding that Brewster’s repertoire of qualified invitation responses also includes the phrases “Yeah, we’ll see,” “It’s possible I could swing that,” and “Definitely, as long as I can finish up my work and get out of here at a decent time.” “Just once it would be nice to hear a simple ‘Yes, I’d love to come.’ Actually, at this point, I’d settle for a definitive, unambiguous response of any kind. A flat-out no would at least be honest.” At press time, Brewster had tentatively expressed his desire to attend an employee birthday celebration currently taking place in the office breakroom.

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