Man Has Story For Every Stain On Pants

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Vol 50 Issue 16

Ronald McDonald Gets Millennial Makeover

McDonald’s officials announced this week that they are redesigning longtime mascot Ronald McDonald with a new outfit and will begin mentioning him on Twitter using the hashtag #ronaldmcdonald, though he does not yet have an account of his own.

Local TCBY Has Missed Past 2 Logo Changes

Obama spends another night searching behind White House paintings for safes, an autopsy determines a total loser's corpse contained no traces of drugs or alcohol, and a superstitious Delta Airlines adds busty mermaids to its plane noses.
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Man Has Story For Every Stain On Pants

DAYTON, OH—Able to call to mind a unique anecdote for each grease smudge, errant pen mark, and splash of barbecue sauce, local man Thomas Newcomb, 31, has a story for every single stain on his pants, sources confirmed Thursday. “That brown one right there near the inseam is from Ribfest back in ’08; man, that was an unbelievable weekend,” Newcomb told reporters while gesturing toward his spotted and discolored pair of blue jeans, which include reminders of an array of cherished memories that include a streak of engine oil from when he patched up the carburetor on his first motorcycle, a mustard splotch from the hot dog he dropped when he caught a foul ball at a Cincinnati Reds game, and several white-looking drops from when he accidentally dumped some bleach into his laundry the day before a job interview. “And then there’s this bit of blood from when I tripped and fell on the way back from Paddy’s Pub the last night of college; God, I was pretty drunk the night I got that one. And these red wine specks are from June 8, 2009—how could I forget? That’s from the party where I first met Chelsea.” When asked about a series of light grass stains on his left pant leg, Newcomb reportedly grew suddenly pensive and, after an extended pause, claimed that “[he didn’t] want to talk about that right now.”

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