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Man Has Story For Every Stain On Pants

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Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

Mom Declares Garage Her Next Big Project

DES MOINES, IA—Announcing to family members it was getting “just about impossible” to find anything out there, local mother Pam Westin, 53, declared Friday that the garage is her next big project, sources confirmed.

Emergency Crew Rushes To Pull Child Out Of Football Huddle

CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Man Has Story For Every Stain On Pants

DAYTON, OH—Able to call to mind a unique anecdote for each grease smudge, errant pen mark, and splash of barbecue sauce, local man Thomas Newcomb, 31, has a story for every single stain on his pants, sources confirmed Thursday. “That brown one right there near the inseam is from Ribfest back in ’08; man, that was an unbelievable weekend,” Newcomb told reporters while gesturing toward his spotted and discolored pair of blue jeans, which include reminders of an array of cherished memories that include a streak of engine oil from when he patched up the carburetor on his first motorcycle, a mustard splotch from the hot dog he dropped when he caught a foul ball at a Cincinnati Reds game, and several white-looking drops from when he accidentally dumped some bleach into his laundry the day before a job interview. “And then there’s this bit of blood from when I tripped and fell on the way back from Paddy’s Pub the last night of college; God, I was pretty drunk the night I got that one. And these red wine specks are from June 8, 2009—how could I forget? That’s from the party where I first met Chelsea.” When asked about a series of light grass stains on his left pant leg, Newcomb reportedly grew suddenly pensive and, after an extended pause, claimed that “[he didn’t] want to talk about that right now.”

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