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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Man Has Trouble Growing Full Beard Of Bees

BURLINGTON, VT—Complaining of patchiness and uneven color, area man Matthew Cruickshank, 34, told reporters Monday that he has always had trouble growing a full beard of bees. “For some reason, when the bees come in they just won’t connect my mustache to my goatee, and they seem to thin out halfway up my cheek,” said Cruickshank, examining a beeless patch of skin on his neck and noting how one random gray bee always appears in the middle of his chin. “It’s strange because my dad always had a full, thick beard of bees his whole life. I guess some guys are just lucky that way.” Cruickshank added that although he grooms his beard of bees frequently, it often becomes itchy and uncomfortable, especially at night when he’s trying to sleep.

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