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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Man Hates Being Put In Position Where He Has To Think, Feel, Or Act

AMARILLO, TX—Bemoaning the burdensome expectations regularly placed upon him by his family, friends, coworkers, and even strangers, local 38-year-old Howard Ridley expressed discomfort Tuesday with the number of situations in which he is asked to think, feel, or act—and sometimes do all three. “I swear, everywhere I go, people expect me to take some matter or another into consideration, display some sort of emotion in response, and perhaps even do something about it,” Ridley said in a press statement blasting what he described as the near-daily requests that he assess a situation before him and then react to it in a rational, or at least socially appropriate, manner. “I’m sick of it. Everyone needs to back off, give me some space, and let me respond to the outside world if and when I’m ready to do so.” Ridley added that if he were to cave in to the incessant demands on his behavior, the next thing you know, people would be pressuring him to actually talk and move.

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