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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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Man Hates Being Put In Position Where He Has To Think, Feel, Or Act

AMARILLO, TX—Bemoaning the burdensome expectations regularly placed upon him by his family, friends, coworkers, and even strangers, local 38-year-old Howard Ridley expressed discomfort Tuesday with the number of situations in which he is asked to think, feel, or act—and sometimes do all three. “I swear, everywhere I go, people expect me to take some matter or another into consideration, display some sort of emotion in response, and perhaps even do something about it,” Ridley said in a press statement blasting what he described as the near-daily requests that he assess a situation before him and then react to it in a rational, or at least socially appropriate, manner. “I’m sick of it. Everyone needs to back off, give me some space, and let me respond to the outside world if and when I’m ready to do so.” Ridley added that if he were to cave in to the incessant demands on his behavior, the next thing you know, people would be pressuring him to actually talk and move.

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