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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Man Holding Giant Turkey Leg Never Been More Captivating In Entire Life

CINCINNATI—Basking in the sudden attention of strangers who have slowed in their tracks to look at him, smiled in his direction, and occasionally approached him at a local street festival Monday, local man Kurt Duddridge has reportedly never been more magnetic in his entire life, a fact owing to his possession of a giant turkey leg. “Hey, that looks awesome,” said Allen Hayes, one of dozens of captivated passersby, who according to sources was so intrigued by Duddridge and his magnificent snack that he felt compelled to ask about it. “Where’d you get that?” At press time, Duddridge had reportedly finished his turkey leg, tossed away the bone, and reverted to his usual faceless self.

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