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Man Holding Giant Turkey Leg Never Been More Captivating In Entire Life

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Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
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Man Holding Giant Turkey Leg Never Been More Captivating In Entire Life

CINCINNATI—Basking in the sudden attention of strangers who have slowed in their tracks to look at him, smiled in his direction, and occasionally approached him at a local street festival Monday, local man Kurt Duddridge has reportedly never been more magnetic in his entire life, a fact owing to his possession of a giant turkey leg. “Hey, that looks awesome,” said Allen Hayes, one of dozens of captivated passersby, who according to sources was so intrigued by Duddridge and his magnificent snack that he felt compelled to ask about it. “Where’d you get that?” At press time, Duddridge had reportedly finished his turkey leg, tossed away the bone, and reverted to his usual faceless self.

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