adBlockCheck

Man In Chair Pauses To Consider Reclining Options

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Man In Chair Pauses To Consider Reclining Options

MORRISTOWN, NJ—Determined to "get good and comfortable" in his new La-Z-Boy "Dynamo" Reclina-Rocker after a big meatloaf dinner, area resident Gil Siebert paused Tuesday to consider his reclining options.

Gil Siebert ponders his reclining options from the comfort of his new La-Z-Boy Reclina-Rocker.

"I could sit upright," said the 48-year-old accountant, his hand hovering near the three-position wooden handle on the right side of the chair. "Or, I could lean back a little and leave my feet down. Or, I could put my feet up, move the head rest out and lean back all the way."

The recliner, purchased by Siebert and his wife Bobbie the previous Saturday at Harn's Furniture & Waterbed World in nearby Parsippany, offers its user 572 possible body-position configurations, from which Siebert eventually narrowed down to 38 finalists.

"Maybe I should sit halfway up and put my feet on the matching ottoman, and then point the chair to the left using the swivel option," Siebert said. "Then again, I could sit facing straight ahead but rock slightly."

Siebert's difficulty in choosing a position was exacerbated by his uncertainty about what activity he would engage in while sitting in the recliner. Though tempted to watch ESPN, the sated Siebert also expressed an interest in taking a nap. He said he was also strongly considering listening to his new A Mannheim Steamroller Christmas CD while reading the new Gander Mountain catalog, which sat an arm's length away on the end table.

"I guess I'll turn on SportsCenter," said Siebert, reaching behind him and producing a remote control from a crevice in the chair, where it had been poking him slightly in the side. "I wonder if the Devils won."

Siebert then positioned the chair for partially upright reclining and, planting one foot on the ground, pulled the leg rest to its full extension with the side lever, causing the chair to emit a satisfying cranking sound.

"Ah, there we go," said Siebert, sinking into the padded backrest. "This is nice."

Siebert—who picked out all the details of the recliner, with the exception of its textured taupe fabric and Scotchgard™ option, which were chosen by his wife—said he was "completely satisfied" with his purchase.

"I wanted a chair that'd give me some reclining options, but I didn't want anything too fancy, " Siebert said. "I didn't want to pay an arm and a leg for the thing."

To keep the cost down, Siebert decided to pass on all "premium" options, including vibrating massage, auto-recline and penetrating heat—even after a salesperson at Harn's convinced him to test the features on a floor model.

"Mr. Siebert didn't go with any of what we call the 'state of the art' recliner features," said Russell Nowicki, senior sales associate at Harn's Sleepers, Sofas & Recliners department. "But he did choose an attractive, durable classic-style rocker-recliner featuring a contoured overstuffed back for maximum head and shoulder support."

Added Nowicki: "Mr. Siebert is a very smart man. You can't go wrong with a La-Z-Boy."

Siebert was equally enthusiastic in his praise of Nowicki. "The man at the store was real helpful—he knew a lot about the chairs," Siebert said. "And he gave me his card in case I had any questions after I got home."

After a three-day waiting period, Siebert received free home delivery of the La-Z-Boy, which now sits in the spot long occupied by a non-reclining armchair. To accommodate the La-Z-Boy, the armchair was moved to the basement rec room.

"I like the new chair a lot better," Siebert said. "There's a whole lot of different ways I can sit in it. The old chair only had one."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close