Man In Chair Pauses To Consider Reclining Options

In This Section

Vol 34 Issue 20

Gus Van Sant Prepares Shot-For-Shot Teen Wolf Remake

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Promising a "stunning re-creation of an American film classic," director Gus Van Sant announced Monday he will execute a shot-for-shot remake of the 1985 film Teen Wolf. In the new version, Jonathan Taylor Thomas will reprise the role made famous by Michael J. Fox, playing Scott Howard, a Nebraska high-schooler who leads his basketball team to victory after transforming into a werewolf. Jennifer Love Hewitt co-stars as "Boof." Van Sant said he is "leaving open the possibility" of re-filming the 1987 sequel Teen Wolf Too.

Cretinous Reprobate Home For The Holidays

MONTPELIER, VT—Mark Wilens, a 41-year-old cretinous reprobate who relocated to California six years ago, is back home in Vermont for the holidays, it was reported Monday. "The pudding is on the table, the fire is roaring, and Mark is here with his family," said Lila Wilens, mother of the unctuous, deceitful shit. "Hopefully, we'll get a chance to go caroling while he's home, on one of the days when he's not hanging out by the Catholic school with his binoculars." The filthy pig last spent Christmas with his loved ones in 1995.

Pregnant Woman Killed In Propecia-Handling Incident

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Investigators are citing "broken Propecia tablet-handling" as the cause of Monday's death of San Antonio resident Nancy Ivey. According to reports, Ronald Ivey returned home from work at 5:20 p.m. to find his pregnant wife's charred remains on the kitchen floor near an open bottle of his Propecia hair-regrowth medication. A subsequent autopsy revealed that a broken tablet had been "handled in a reckless and cavalier manner" by the woman. "This senseless tragedy could have easily been averted," a shaken San Antonio police chief Derrick Rudd said. "I beg you, please help spread the word: Women who are or may be pregnant must not use Propecia or handle broken tablets."

Desperate Wheel Of Fortune Receives Approval To Use Swear Words

BURBANK, CA—Desperate for new phrases, Sony Pictures' Wheel Of Fortune received special permission from the FCC Monday to use word puzzles containing objectionable language. "Twenty-three years of daily broadcasts have depleted us of every last familiar, non-offensive phrase," Wheel Of Fortune producer Robert Reynolds said. "I mean, last night we were doing puzzles like 'Pyrrhic Victory' and 'More To Be Pitied Than Censured,' and nobody could guess them." Beginning next week, the program will feature such phrases as "Balls To The Wall," "Dick-Slapped," "Titty Fuck," "On The Rag," "Greasy Wop" and "Fucked Eight Ways From Sunday." The popular show will also introduce such profanity-laced "Before & After" puzzles as "What A Crock Of Shit For Brains."

Checks For Gun Buyers

Earlier this month, a new system of instant FBI background checks on gun buyers went into effect. The system, which takes the place of a five-day waiting period, is being challenged in court by the NRA as an invasion of privacy. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Energy

Holiday

Man In Chair Pauses To Consider Reclining Options

MORRISTOWN, NJ—Determined to "get good and comfortable" in his new La-Z-Boy "Dynamo" Reclina-Rocker after a big meatloaf dinner, area resident Gil Siebert paused Tuesday to consider his reclining options.

Gil Siebert ponders his reclining options from the comfort of his new La-Z-Boy Reclina-Rocker.

"I could sit upright," said the 48-year-old accountant, his hand hovering near the three-position wooden handle on the right side of the chair. "Or, I could lean back a little and leave my feet down. Or, I could put my feet up, move the head rest out and lean back all the way."

The recliner, purchased by Siebert and his wife Bobbie the previous Saturday at Harn's Furniture & Waterbed World in nearby Parsippany, offers its user 572 possible body-position configurations, from which Siebert eventually narrowed down to 38 finalists.

"Maybe I should sit halfway up and put my feet on the matching ottoman, and then point the chair to the left using the swivel option," Siebert said. "Then again, I could sit facing straight ahead but rock slightly."

Siebert's difficulty in choosing a position was exacerbated by his uncertainty about what activity he would engage in while sitting in the recliner. Though tempted to watch ESPN, the sated Siebert also expressed an interest in taking a nap. He said he was also strongly considering listening to his new A Mannheim Steamroller Christmas CD while reading the new Gander Mountain catalog, which sat an arm's length away on the end table.

"I guess I'll turn on SportsCenter," said Siebert, reaching behind him and producing a remote control from a crevice in the chair, where it had been poking him slightly in the side. "I wonder if the Devils won."

Siebert then positioned the chair for partially upright reclining and, planting one foot on the ground, pulled the leg rest to its full extension with the side lever, causing the chair to emit a satisfying cranking sound.

"Ah, there we go," said Siebert, sinking into the padded backrest. "This is nice."

Siebert—who picked out all the details of the recliner, with the exception of its textured taupe fabric and Scotchgard™ option, which were chosen by his wife—said he was "completely satisfied" with his purchase.

"I wanted a chair that'd give me some reclining options, but I didn't want anything too fancy, " Siebert said. "I didn't want to pay an arm and a leg for the thing."

To keep the cost down, Siebert decided to pass on all "premium" options, including vibrating massage, auto-recline and penetrating heat—even after a salesperson at Harn's convinced him to test the features on a floor model.

"Mr. Siebert didn't go with any of what we call the 'state of the art' recliner features," said Russell Nowicki, senior sales associate at Harn's Sleepers, Sofas & Recliners department. "But he did choose an attractive, durable classic-style rocker-recliner featuring a contoured overstuffed back for maximum head and shoulder support."

Added Nowicki: "Mr. Siebert is a very smart man. You can't go wrong with a La-Z-Boy."

Siebert was equally enthusiastic in his praise of Nowicki. "The man at the store was real helpful—he knew a lot about the chairs," Siebert said. "And he gave me his card in case I had any questions after I got home."

After a three-day waiting period, Siebert received free home delivery of the La-Z-Boy, which now sits in the spot long occupied by a non-reclining armchair. To accommodate the La-Z-Boy, the armchair was moved to the basement rec room.

"I like the new chair a lot better," Siebert said. "There's a whole lot of different ways I can sit in it. The old chair only had one."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More