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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Man Insists On Calling Fanny Pack 'Lumbar Satchel'

LORAIN, OH–According to coworkers, Novitech systems administrator Ted Shiner insists on referring to his fanny pack as a "lumbar satchel." "I asked him if he had the key to the fifth-floor men's room, and he tells me to get it out of his 'lumbar satchel,'" account manager Fred Weyert said of the ponytailed, 29-year-old Shiner. "I had to ask him, like, three more times and go through having him describe exactly where it was on his desk before I realized he was talking about his damn fanny pack."

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