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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Man Invisible On Gchat Observes World From Impregnable Perch

ST. LOUIS—Having earlier in the day set his Gchat status to “invisible,” local man Jeff Young, 29, reportedly spent his Wednesday afternoon monitoring the comings and goings of his various online contacts as a silent and unknowable observer, espying the world and its madding crowd from his lofty, impregnable perch. “Here I lurk, unseen and yet all-seeing, privy to the deepest and darkest secrets of all who toil below me,” Young said, moments after withdrawing into the virtual shadows, all evidence of his very online existence obscured by an unassuming gray circle in his Gchat sidebar. “I am a watcher of limitless vision, unknown to the watched, gazing with fearsome power and great solemnity upon those pitiable fools whose online presence lies in plain sight. Lo, in my omniscience, I am akin to God Himself.” At press time, Young’s girlfriend had somehow breached his seemingly impenetrable observatory, demanding to know why he was ignoring her.

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