34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Man Just Going To Assume Apartment Has Functional Carbon Monoxide Detector Somewhere

DALLAS—Saying that he’s never seen it but that there’s probably one around somewhere, 24-year-old web developer Doug Horton told reporters Wednesday he is willing to just assume his apartment has a functional carbon monoxide detector. “I’m sure there’s one on a wall in the kitchen, or maybe in the bedroom,” said Horton, sitting on his sofa as he briefly scanned his living room for a device that looked like it might raise an alarm in the event of a deadly gas leak. “There has to be one, right? And even if there wasn’t, I’d probably still be able to see or at least smell any carbon monoxide that got in here, so I’m not too worried.” At press time, reports confirmed Horton had decided to open a window “just in case.”


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