Man Just Going To Assume Apartment Has Functional Carbon Monoxide Detector Somewhere

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 46

Jack Palance Still Dead At 87

An alarming MRI shows that Peyton Manning has been dead for 6 months, the Mariana Trench is once again named the worst place to raise children, and a man smoking an e-cigarette must be a futuristic bounty hunter.

PlayStation 4 vs. Xbox One

Sony and Microsoft are launching their hotly anticipated next-generation video gaming consoles this month, with the PlayStation 4 going on sale on Nov.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • Entire Room Mentally Shaving Man's Facial Hair

    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Late Night

Man Just Going To Assume Apartment Has Functional Carbon Monoxide Detector Somewhere

DALLAS—Saying that he’s never seen it but that there’s probably one around somewhere, 24-year-old web developer Doug Horton told reporters Wednesday he is willing to just assume his apartment has a functional carbon monoxide detector. “I’m sure there’s one on a wall in the kitchen, or maybe in the bedroom,” said Horton, sitting on his sofa as he briefly scanned his living room for a device that looked like it might raise an alarm in the event of a deadly gas leak. “There has to be one, right? And even if there wasn’t, I’d probably still be able to see or at least smell any carbon monoxide that got in here, so I’m not too worried.” At press time, reports confirmed Horton had decided to open a window “just in case.”

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More