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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Man Just Going To Assume Apartment Has Functional Carbon Monoxide Detector Somewhere

DALLAS—Saying that he’s never seen it but that there’s probably one around somewhere, 24-year-old web developer Doug Horton told reporters Wednesday he is willing to just assume his apartment has a functional carbon monoxide detector. “I’m sure there’s one on a wall in the kitchen, or maybe in the bedroom,” said Horton, sitting on his sofa as he briefly scanned his living room for a device that looked like it might raise an alarm in the event of a deadly gas leak. “There has to be one, right? And even if there wasn’t, I’d probably still be able to see or at least smell any carbon monoxide that got in here, so I’m not too worried.” At press time, reports confirmed Horton had decided to open a window “just in case.”

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