Man Just Going To Grab Guitar And Old Four-Track, Go Out To Cabin In Woods, Make Shittiest Album Anyone's Ever Heard

Top Headlines


Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Man Just Going To Grab Guitar And Old Four-Track, Go Out To Cabin In Woods, Make Shittiest Album Anyone's Ever Heard

CHICAGO—Following a protracted period of creative stagnation, struggling 27-year-old musician Tom Ruskin announced Friday his plans to retreat to a remote cabin in the Illinois woods with just his acoustic guitar and an old four-track recorder in order to make the biggest piece-of-shit album ever committed to tape.

Ruskin has in recent months reportedly professed a strong, incredibly hackneyed urge to "get back to nature" in the interests of tapping into a more primal and exceptionally crappy well of creativity. Additionally, the part-time coffee shop barista was recently dumped by his girlfriend of two years, a breakup he said has provided the banal inspiration he needs to write an extremely aurally and aesthetically offensive set of songs.

"There are way too many distractions here in the city," Ruskin said as he packed some extra sets of guitar strings that he will employ while recording the worst, most derivative music anyone has ever heard. "I need to go where there's no e-mail or cell phones or television and devote my complete attention to making the most godawful record imaginable."

"I just have to be totally alone with my mundane, asinine thoughts and focus on nothing but getting this unlistenable turd of an album out of my head and into the world," Ruskin added.

Listen: 'Miles Between (Song For Sarah)' by Tom Ruskin

In addition to his guitar and analog recording equipment, Ruskin said he is bringing for lyrical inspiration several books of classic poetry, the thematic content of which he will badly misinterpret and bastardize while writing the words for his unbelievably shitty songs.

Ruskin added that he plans to grow a beard during his sojourn so he will look especially pretentious and annoying when he returns from making his laughably bad album.

"In Chicago, I'm constantly surrounded by talented musicians," Ruskin said. "The last thing I need right now is a bunch of competent songwriters putting in their two cents and truthfully telling me that what I'm doing is just fucking awful. How can I reach my self- indulgent musical nadir if I'm getting a bunch of sober, reasonable advice from people who know what they're talking about?"

As his inspiration for sequestering himself in the wilderness, Ruskin cited several musical luminaries—such as Justin Vernon of the critically acclaimed indie rock band Bon Iver—who have at times gone to similar lengths in order to work on their music without distraction.

Ruskin, however, was quick to dispel any notion that this implied he would actually be producing something of lasting or even passing creative value.

"It'll be just like Bruce Springsteen locking himself in his bedroom and recording Nebraska," said Ruskin, referring to the New Jersey–born rock legend's sparse, deeply haunting album of 1982. "Except instead of creating a timeless masterpiece that perfectly encapsulates the struggles and dashed dreams of blue-collar Americans, I'll be haphazardly slapping together a piece of total shit that proves I don't know the first thing about good music, much less about truth and the human condition."

"And I know this cello player I can call to do some overdubs when I get back," continued Ruskin, later adding that he has already made the ill-advised decision to layer his own voice dozens of times on every track so that the album will reach its full potential as an incoherent, pompous mess that no one will be able to listen to for more than 30 seconds. "God, this thing is going to be just the absolute worst."

According to sources, the cabin where Ruskin will be staying is less than a mile from the cabin of Gerard Mortimer, 36, who is currently hard at work writing the shittiest novel anyone will ever read.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close