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Man Just Having One Of Those Decades Where He Doesn't Feel Like Doing Anything

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.

Driving Vs. Public Transportation

Weighing factors such as convenience, time commitment, and environmental impact, deciding whether to commute via car or public transit can be difficult. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Man Just Having One Of Those Decades Where He Doesn't Feel Like Doing Anything

LANSING, MI—Saying he just hasn’t been motivated to change out of his pajamas and put on nice clothes, 45-year-old Jeff Renton confirmed Tuesday that he’s currently having one of those decades where he doesn’t really feel like getting up and doing anything. “It’s already 2014 and I haven’t really gotten around to anything yet, so at this point, I’m probably just going to chill out on the couch for the rest of the decade and see what’s on Netflix,” said Renton, who reportedly awoke on New Year’s Day 2010 feeling “kind of blah” and then, after not getting much done over the next 36 months, decided to call the current decade a wash. “Some decades you feel motivated to do stuff and some you just feel like playing video games and staying in bed. And seeing how this decade’s gone so far, I might as well just take it easy for the next six years and focus on picking things up again in the 2020s.” Renton noted, however, that if he found himself inspired, he might consider showering and taking a stab at some light housework around 2018.

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