Man Just Having One Of Those Decades Where He Doesn't Feel Like Doing Anything

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Cheddar Cheese Prices Skyrocket Due To Chinese Demand

The Dairy Export Council reported this week that the cost of cheddar cheese climbed 18 percent this year to its highest price ever because domestic manufacturers have been unable to meet the demand for cheese by Chinese purchasers.

Lowly Mortal Opens Portal To Hell

John Kerry poses as a masseuse to get a few minutes with Putin, parents reminisce to their children about the dating algorithm that brought them together, and a lowly mortal opens a portal to hell.

Surge Answered With Rally

SAN DIEGO—With a succession of quick baskets during the NCAA Tournament Friday, sources confirmed that a surge was quickly answered by a rally.

Sleep Loss Can Cause Brain Damage

A study published this week in the journal Neuroscience found that inconsistent sleep patterns, including not sleeping enough and sleeping erratic hours, can result in an irreversible loss of brain neurons.
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Man Just Having One Of Those Decades Where He Doesn't Feel Like Doing Anything

LANSING, MI—Saying he just hasn’t been motivated to change out of his pajamas and put on nice clothes, 45-year-old Jeff Renton confirmed Tuesday that he’s currently having one of those decades where he doesn’t really feel like getting up and doing anything. “It’s already 2014 and I haven’t really gotten around to anything yet, so at this point, I’m probably just going to chill out on the couch for the rest of the decade and see what’s on Netflix,” said Renton, who reportedly awoke on New Year’s Day 2010 feeling “kind of blah” and then, after not getting much done over the next 36 months, decided to call the current decade a wash. “Some decades you feel motivated to do stuff and some you just feel like playing video games and staying in bed. And seeing how this decade’s gone so far, I might as well just take it easy for the next six years and focus on picking things up again in the 2020s.” Renton noted, however, that if he found himself inspired, he might consider showering and taking a stab at some light housework around 2018.

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